I held back tears when I said goodbye. I’m sure you thought much of it or noticed.
But for me it was an ending to something I’ve held onto longer than I should have. Closing the chapter that I kept rereading titled us.
The truth is I looked back at you hoping maybe you were watching me go. Maybe then you would have given me a reason to turn around. Only you didn’t. I walked away hoping you’d come after me. Only you didn’t. Hoping maybe it would hit you that it should have been us this whole time.
I drove home that night calling someone I’m afraid has become comfortably part of my routine. Even if I didn’t want to or think I was ready life had a way of moving on and taking me along with it.
He tries on calling me baby and I hate to admit it fits. Because there are moments I still wish it was you.
I drove home silently. An ache in my chest made me realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did want you. How far I was willing to go. How I wouldn’t have given up on you if only you didn’t give up on me first.
But if there’s anything I do right in 2018 it’ll be letting you go for good.
Letting go of the idea that maybe one day we’d get it right.
Letting go of the possibility of maybes and hoping and wishing for a reality that’s only one in my mind.
Letting go of this idea of us because it was haunting me in a way and all I heard was your voice telling me to stay.
Whispers of I love you in the dark were met with the heartbreaking reply, ‘I know.’
I knew that’s all we’d ever be, me constantly trying to prove I was worthy of being loved back. And you taking my love with you to build yourself up in a way that tore me down.
I think I knew the whole time I just didn’t want to believe it. When you invest time and emotions into someone you don’t want to be wrong about them.
Maybe it was my stubborn nature that forced me to hold on longer than I should have.
Your head always knows the truth even if it takes your heart longer to catch up. And I’ve always been someone to follows my heart more than I should.
In the new year, these are the things I’ll let go of.
Jealousy. Because even if I was everything you could have wanted I still don’t know if you’d choose.
Pain. Because I clung to it because it was so familiar but that shouldn’t be the case.
Confusion. Because there was something there between us. I’m just not gonna think about that anymore.
Envy. Because maybe just like you found the right person I hope I will too.
Blame. Because neither of us were to blame for things outside our control.
Sadness. Because I’m tired of writing such sad things and letting that define me.
The past. Because everything about my past has you written all over it and I need to know what it’s like to not hold on so tightly to something that hurts.
In 2018 I can only hope I meet someone I love as deeply as I loved you. But more than that I hope I meet someone who can love me the way I deserve. Because all your love did was leave me empty, thinking I was to blame for your inability to give me what I deserved.
But most of all the things I hope for is healing in a way I realize it was your loss more than it would ever be mine. And I hope I can say that in the new year and believe it.