The truth is I want to keep trying with you. I like you for a lot of reasons. But lately, I can’t come up with too many.
When I’m with you I’m happy or at least I was.
But when I’m not with you, I’m sitting there flustered wondering how you’re feeling. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to be confident in someone. I’m looking at a phone and a text I know you read but you’re choosing not to answer. And even when you do, I wonder what you’re feeling towards me.
Is it just a conversation when you’re bored? Am I someone you actually think of throughout the day? When you do something wrong are you saying sorry because you know you know you’re supposed to or out of genuine guilt for hurting me?
I want to believe in you. Maybe too much that I look past every red flag flying in my direction. I want to be right about you. Maybe too much because I only pay attention to the things that justify that and back it up. But I ignore everything else.
I hate being the one to try too hard. The one who is constantly left waiting. The one starting every conversation and saying goodbye because you haven’t answered in an hour.
I want to believe this isn’t just another thing to write off as I add your name to a long list of those who have hurt me. I don’t want you to be on that list.
But I can’t make you care. I can’t change the way you may or may not feel about me.
I can play every game I’m supposed to. I can ignore your texts like you do me. Keep you on the edge. And keep you wondering. Not answer when it gets too late and put you in the shoes of wondering where I am and who I’m with. I can walk by you in a room like we’re strangers if that’s the game you want to play.
But I don’t want to play that game.
And maybe I come on too strong. I answer too quickly. I show you exactly how I feel and maybe that deems me as less attractive. Play hard to get is what they say.
But I don’t want to have to play some game to get you or keep you interested. That’s too much work.
And maybe that’s what you’re used to. That’s what everyone is used to these days. Playing games and fucking with each other’s head and pretending not to care even when you do.
If it’s a battle of who can care less and make the other person feel worse, that’s a game I don’t want to participate in. So if that means I’m going to lose then so be it. I’d rather lose someone being myself, then change who I am to seem appealing. If I have to pretend to not give a shit about you to get you to like me or fuck with you like you’re some pawn, then everything everyone has ever done to me in the past will be the effect to their cause.
So if it’s unattractive and unappealing to you to admit I care and I’m not afraid to show that, maybe you aren’t who I thought you were.
Because it isn’t just about you, this is to every person who gets caught up in what dating is today even though it doesn’t make sense to any of us. Even though we all swear we hate it we keep playing.
But I’m taking myself out of this game because it’s not one I’ve ever liked.
So I’m walking away not because I don’t care but because trying to prove to you, you should and that I’m worth your time is compromising my self-respect. And the more time I spend waiting for you to figure out how you feel as I decipher texts at 2AM that aren’t even English is time I’m wasting that could be invested in someone who is right there with me and tired of this shit.
I like you. But not this much.