This Is Me Slowly Learning To Trust God More Than Myself

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Yoann Boyer

I sat in church on a Friday morning. When you go to church on a weekday you’re lucky if there is even more than 15 people attending. And there’s a 98% chance at the age of 25 you’ll be the youngest there. I held back tears as I got to my knees praying.

Caught somewhere between lost not realizing that’s where I’d be found again.

I had always prayed for the things I wanted. The relationships I thought would work out. The people I thought would stay what I failed to realize as I stood staring at the door someone walked out of was this was all part of His plan.

A plan I thought I had control of. A plan I thought was dictated by saying and doing the right thing. A plan that would lead to my ultimate happiness. A plan I thought he had nothing to do with.

But in desperate attempts to try and control fate, thinking it was something I could dictate and navigate alone I failed to recognize the greater power that played a role here.

So this is me trusting myself a little less and putting it, whatever it might be in the hands of someone greater than myself.

“Read the signs,” a priest said as I listened attentively. “Don’t think they are for someone else just because it isn’t what you want to hear.”

I walked out and thought back to what he had said as if it were God speaking himself. And maybe he was.

In time, I began to replace demands in quiet prayers always asking with thank you.

In time, I began to replace wondering why something ended with understanding maybe they weren’t meant for me.

In time, I began to replace falling to my knees when I needed something with conversation when I only needed someone to listen.

In time, I began to replace doubt of when things would happen with faith and trusting the procress.

Slowly understanding even if I don’t know what might be ahead, even if it seems cloudy and doubtful and something I fear, I’ve learned to trust Him more than myself.

And in moments where I was falling to my knees and thought I was weak, I failed to realize it’s Him who is my strength.

I’m slowly learning to trust God more than I trust myself.

That faith will never be what I see, but in everything I feel within me. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

But Before You Leave

“Losing you would be like losing part of me, only it’d be losing the best part of me.”

“Even if your voice is shaking, never stop asking for what you want.”

Kirsten’s writings really touch me. It’s like all the things I have ever thought of or wanted to say are expressed through her writing. I resonate with so much of it. It’s so deeply touching, moving, raw and just plain real. There were times reading I teared up because something said just went straight to my heart. I think I honestly highlighted almost the whole book! —Elizabeth

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