I Keep Giving You The Benefit Of The Doubt Because I Want To Be Right About You

Cody Black
Half of me sits here wondering if I’m wasting my time. My time, attention and patience are being tested with every excuse you make.

“Why do you believe him,” they ask?

As if seeing the good in someone is a flaw. As if wanting to believe you aren’t being lied is bad.

I want to be right.

I want to believe that you care.

I listen to excuses not because I’m dumb or foolish or desperate for someone’s attention. I do it because I want to be right about you.

It’s tough though when you’re an honest person who means everything you say, you want everyone to have those same intentions.

I’m not naive to think that everyone is like me.

But I’m hoping maybe this time someone might be.

So I tell you okay when you want to reschedule.

I forgive you when you cancel last minute.

I don’t think much about the delays in your responses even though I answer immediately every time.

I’ve learned to not get my hopes up with you because all you seem to do is let me down.

I’ve come to expect the worst while secretly hoping maybe I’m the one that will be wrong.

Maybe I’ll be the one who is surprised.

I sit here waiting by my phone wondering when you’ll answer.

Rereading what I sent and was it okay?

I sit here waiting thinking maybe you haven’t read it.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Lying to myself just to not be so on edge.

I’ve learned this much about relationships, the right ones don’t leave you anxious or confused or needing too many chances.

My patience continues to grow thin but I keep hoping you’ll surprise me.

Why do I waste time on people like you is the question I ask myself over and over again. Giving away chances like they are free samples at Cosco. Lighting a match only to burn myself because I should know better by now.

The thing is it’s not me you are uncertain of.

It’s not me who needs to change.

As these mixed signals and leading me on, leaves me paranoid questioning myself, I know it’s you that’s unsure.

I enter most things with confidence. When I care about you, you know.

I don’t play coy or play some complicated game to get your attention.

So it isn’t me and how I feel you’re unsure of, it’s yourself as you wonder can someone like me fit into this life of yours.

You flirt with the idea taking two steps towards me only to retreat back. Because I’m not like the rest of them. I won’t lie to you. I won’t mess with you head. I won’t hurt you.

So as you fumble through excuses I’ve heard a thousand times, leaving me disappointed. I walk away upset but knowing very well putting faith in someone, having hope, even if I have no reason to is what it’s all about.

And if the worst thing you can say about me is I cared too much and I wasn’t afraid to show it, I can live with that.

Because I know the right person will see the value in that, I just wish it was you and part of me still hold onto hope it might be. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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