Loving You Hurts More Than It Should

God & Man

I wish seeing your name in a snap didn’t immediately make me smile. And I could just ignore it. But you and I both know I’ll open and answer immediately.

I wish seeing your name in a story feed didn’t make me want to see it first. But I’m always just curious what you’re doing, who you’re with and part of me wishes I were there too.

I wish seeing your name view my story didn’t make me feel a certain way but the honest truth is sometimes I post things in hopes you do look first too. Sometimes I scroll through a list of names just looking for yours.

I wish seeing you like something on my insta didn’t make my heart flip a hundred ways. But it does.

I wish tags and shares didn’t make me fall harder for you. But I do every time.

I wish your texts didn’t come in and turn into hour conversations of reminding me no matter who I meet they aren’t going to make me feel the same way you do.

I wish sitting next to you even in silence didn’t leave me feeling so whole because I look over at you when you aren’t looking my way and I’m happy to be alive in that moment.

I wish wouldn’t text me in the moment I’m about to move on and it’s like you know. I don’t know how you know exactly what to say at the most inopportune time. But you do. And in a second I’m brought back staring at a stranger I wish was you.

I wish you wouldn’t pick and choose when you want me cause every time you disappear I think it’s me that’s done something wrong.

Which leads to an unnecessary apology further proving I need you and I’d do anything to keep you.

I wish I didn’t compare everyone to you. And think they all simply fell short of all you are and everything I made you up to be in my head.

I wish you weren’t every thought the minute alcohol touches my lips and I use that as an excuse to talk about you or talk to you.

I wish you weren’t every first thought in the morning and every last thing I think of before bed.

I wish I didn’t lay there at night wishing you were there. Knowing very well you’re probably in bed with someone else.

I wish I didn’t look in the mirror fixating upon flaws thinking that’s why I don’t care enough. Thinking it’s me not good enough for you.

I wish I didn’t mean it when I say I love you. But I love you so much I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings that lead to a dead end.

So I stay silent like it isn’t killing me to have this relationship we do.

I wish every time I pulled away sometimes you would just let me.

You don’t like me enough to want to be with me but you also don’t dislike me enough to let me go.

I wish I didn’t fear losing you as much as I do. But I think that’s exactly what needs to happen to get over you.

I just don’t know what will be harder living with you in my life staring at something that will never be or letting go.

Because I know every time I let go you’ll reach for me yet again and all of this starts all over once more.
Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.


More From Thought Catalog