I sit here hungover I’m replaying everything in my mind, at least everything I remember.
It comes in snid-bits and flashbacks I only half regret bc as much as I enjoy drinking and going out and having a social life, the moral hangover is ten times worse when you have anxiety.
Questions ring in my mind
What did I say last night?
Who did I offend?
Who should I apologize to?
Why was I crying?
Did I lose a friend bc something that happened?
A normal person dismisses these drunk nights out as something that happens to everyone.
But no matter how many times you try to justify that, having anxiety you hold yourself to a different standard. Even if something happened that wasn’t that bad, you hold onto it for days not giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve.
When you have anxiety you’re ten times harder on yourself than anyone else.
Because the truth is everyone can forgive you but you’ll always be your toughest critic.
It’s waking up to phone calls “do remember what you said or did last night?”
Nope. Not a clue.
Then you listen with remorse.
And the hardest part is when you say something that holds a bit of truth to it.
Sober you control everything you say. After overthinking and overanalyzing if you should say it or not. But drunk, all of it just comes out like a flood of emotions that you’ve kept hidden.
When you drink and have anxiety disorder at first you’re comfortable enjoying the night then you get too comfortable.
When you drink it’s like your anxiety disorder goes away temporarily.
Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom talking someone’s ear off in a conversation you won’t even remember.
When you have anxiety and drink, you might think you’re just loosening up but in reality, you’re using alcohol to cope bc of this thing you can’t control.
When you’re drunk and have anxiety it’s the only time you aren’t giving a fuck. But you’re going to have to pay for that later.
And as much as you want to just move on, you also hate yourself for getting to the point you did…again.
It’d be easy to not get drunk and just stay sober but in the moment, you like those nights where anxiety isn’t controlling your life.
Even hungover and sober there’s something you admire about yourself when you’re drunk.
You’re that carefree person you wish you could be all the time. And that’s the real reason why a lot of people with anxiety love drinking as much as they hate it.
In a way, it almost seems worth it, as you struggle to live with these two parts of yourself that seem polar opposite. You love and hate them but can’t get rid of either so they painfully co-exist.
They continue to fight each other but it seems anxiety always wins in the end.