“I don’t wanna rush into anything. She’s getting over someone too, kinda like me an’ you. An’ she talks about him every once in a while, an’ I just nod my head an’ smile. ‘Cause I know exactly what she’s goin’ through… yeah, I’ve been there too. When the conversation turns to you.” -Keith Anderson
It happened exactly as they said it would. Really quickly. Unlike in the past, there weren’t mixed signals. There wasn’t any bit of confusion. There wasn’t a bit of uncertainty. It was just looking at someone and knowing ‘okay this is going to be something.’ Within 5 minutes of meeting him, I knew I’d be asked out on a date before leaving the store. I admit I spent a lot more money than I initially intended because well, I just wanted to talk to him longer. Numbers were exchanged. Or rather I gave him mine, not to be coy at all but because my phone is constantly dead.
Upon attaching my phone to a portable cell phone charger and driving home, when it turned back on there was already a text.
Someone, this confident in how they felt when all I knew were half-hearted love stories was strange and unfamiliar to me.
Conversation flowed naturally and next thing I know, I’m finding out someone’s entire life story who I hadn’t known 24 hours ago.
So when I cried myself to sleep that night it crushed me. When I woke up to a good morning text it stung a little. The truth is when you’re still getting over someone and you meet someone new, there isn’t that relief of “finally.”
Because you are still hurting and processing this pain as someone new enters the picture.
The pain you feel isn’t because of this new person but rather the reality that hits you that you need to start moving on and trying to heal.
There’s the pain of love lost and still thinking about that person. Still wondering if they’ll change their mind. Still hurting but trying to heal. I know it’s not right.
Physically I was there but emotionally I wasn’t.
You want to be over them but even that will take time. You didn’t ask to fall in love. You didn’t ask to get your heart broken. And you certainly didn’t ask for fate to throw someone at you when you weren’t ready.
But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.
And you aren’t falling too hard or too fast. You aren’t feeling much at all. You become numb as a defense mechanism. When pain is all you know everything that isn’t feels weird.
When you give your best and your whole heart to someone and it isn’t enough, you don’t even know what you have to offer someone new.
And you want to explain it to them, this is what I’m going through right now. But you know they deserve a fair shot. You don’t want to put pressure on them thinking they need to heal you. And you wish you could give them your best but all of it is a process. You don’t want to make them feel exactly the way someone else has made you feel like it’s them not good enough. Or that you are comparing them to someone else. So instead you stay silent trying to move forward even if it’s baby steps.
Maybe your heart isn’t in it completely. I mean how could it be?
You’re still looking at your phone and wanting to hear from that person but at the same time knowing it’s best you don’t. So instead you divert your attention to someone who is giving you theirs.
But you know sometimes all it takes someone treating you right and loving you right. Maybe they aren’t what you want but maybe they are exactly what you need. Maybe some people are designed to heal the pain others cause and love you a way that is so unfamiliar it’s right.
Maybe we are all one degree and one strange encounter away from healing. Maybe it isn’t something we don’t have to do alone, just maybe all it takes is one person to teach us the pain we feel right now and everything we’ve been holding on to for this long is what we can let go of.