We’re Talking But No One Is Actually Saying Anything

 MARCO BERTOLI
MARCO BERTOLI

It’s these silences that have become really awkward when I’m sitting shotgun in your car. The radio is playing and there is noise but I can feel something just different.

And I’m waiting. I’m waiting for you to say something but neither of us can explain this.

We’re fumbling for words but no one knows exactly what to say or wants to be the one to say it.

Because how do you look at someone you love and admit the love between the two of you, feels like it’s run out?

So we settle for how are you and ask about our days.

We settle for a kiss because it’s what we’re used to doing but I wonder do you still want to?

We settle for conversations throughout the day that no longer give me butterflies.

We settle for each other’s company because that’s how it’s always been.

I realize we’re both settling here.

I hate that things have changed between us because I know we still love each other. But sometimes love just isn’t enough to change waking up in a bed you should be sleeping in alone.

There are so many things I’d love to say to you but I can’t seem to.

It’s like neither of us wants to be the one to do it because along with someone I’ve loved you’re my best friend too.

We’re each holding on, not out of caring and love but rather out of fear of living without each other. Or maybe we’ve been holding onto something and someone that’s been gone longer than we’d like to admit.

What isn’t being said is ‘it’s over.’

What isn’t being said is ‘we’ve learned as much as we can from one another and there’s nowhere we can go from here.’

What isn’t being said is ‘thank you but it’s time we move on.’

I don’t know why people fall out of love but it feels like it just hit me one day. I look at you as someone I can’t imagine my life without but part of me knows it’d be best to learn to live without you.

You look the same and your smile still makes me blush and I love our history. But our feelings have changed, there’s no denying it.

You’re sitting right next to me and it feels like we’re miles apart.

I don’t want to hurt you but I think we’re hurting each other staying here.

I think we’re at a point where we’re staring at each other and there’s nothing left to say. It’s going to hurt to let go of you. But it hurts holding into something that isn’t here anymore.

So as I muster the strength to let go, just know it hurts me as much as it hurts you. Both of us are losing something here. Because I know I will miss you as much as you might miss me. I know I’ll hate coming home to an empty house and going stag to things when you used to be my plus one to everything. But there is something telling me I need to do this not just for myself but for you too.

You deserve something I can’t give you and I deserve to figure out what I need.

It breaks my heart and I know you won’t believe me when I say I still love you.

My heart breaks for all we were and all we won’t be. I just don’t love you enough to stay.
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Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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