This Is How We Bring Back Chivalry, In A Dating Generation That Claims It’s Dead

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It seems so simple, right? Find someone you care about, hope they like you back. Be together.

But nothing about dating today is that clear cut and dry.

There’s a level of confusion that our parents never knew growing up.

Technology has become a pawn in this game, no one signed up for, yet everyone seems to be playing.

It’s Facebook friend requests and hoping they accept you.
It’s never wanting to be the first follow or like.
It’s a game of liking pics back and forth.
It’s Snapchat stories being viewed but snap texts being ignored.
It’s Snap texts that mean less than real texts.
It’s having a snap conversation and completely forgetting what was previously said.
It’s real texts not being answered but everyone has their phone attached to their hand these days.
And God forbid, you call someone, it goes right to voicemail.
And who even leaves voicemails other than your mom or you when you’re drunk and left to completely regret life the next day?

It’s hookups without labels.
It’s friends with benefits.
It’s ‘almost relationships’ that break your heart but you still participate in it.

So when your friend’s mom chimes in, a name of someone she likes, it’s followed by the sentence, ‘just go date them.’ Your response in your mind: ‘Hey Carol, if it were that easy don’t you think I would?’

And then you add dating apps to the equation, okay you matched but never speak.
You initiate contact and they don’t answer.
You say one wrong thing and you get unmatched.
Or you get a conversation going and somewhere along the way it just dies.
Or maybe you agree to meet up then one of you cancels.
You do meet up and you realize you have nothing in common. Shocker.
Maybe you realize this is ending in someone’s bed with a few more shots or you can walk away now with grace.
Both scenarios result in never speaking to each other ever again.
Ghosting has become normal.

Try explaining that to Carol, ‘Yeah, I look through a series of pictures, judging people completely on their looks. Then I’m butthurt when it goes nowhere and I’m the one wondering what’s wrong with people today?’ Or ‘they’re weird so I banish them from my life without a word. Carol, I know this sounds crazy but this is dating today.’

Girls get more dick pics and inappropriate texts then they know what to do with.

Guys get more triple texts and notifications blowing up their phone then they want because everyone is paranoid AF.

Common chivalry today is defined by someone not trying to sleep with you on the first date.

So how do we bring back chivalry in dating? How do we go back to actual dating in a generation of Netflix and Chill? How do we not let everyone and everything else influence our standards, regardless of how unrealistic they may seem?

It starts with self-respect and having the patience to wait for what you deserve.

I think it’s all about who you associate with. But more than that, it’s having the attitude, ‘I don’t take shit from anyone’ then holding true to that.

This cycle of what many consider ‘dating today’ is only that because you and I are participating in it.

You don’t like being ghosted, stop ghosting people yourself.
You want people to treat you with respect, respect yourself enough to walk away.
You want an actual relationship, yet you keep hooking up with the same person who won’t give you one.
You don’t like that he ignored your text but you answer him when he gets around to it.
You don’t like dating apps and want to meet a quality person, yet you’re swiping for sport out of boredom.

The problem isn’t the generation or the time period, the problem is the people in this generation letting this become a norm.

Have an actual list of standards that if someone doesn’t meet, you let them go. Don’t define someone’s level of interest based on their use of social media.

Wait for the right person not just any person.

Changing dating today starts with you and the standards you uphold in your life. You can’t control other people and you can’t change them but you can stop associating with them, if they don’t match your expectations.

Don’t fall for someone hoping your feelings alone will change them and make them treat you better.

Fall for someone who already is treating you better.

Wait for the person who is going to bring you flowers. The person who will ask to carry your bag. The person who will open your door and pull out your chair. The person who doesn’t even let you touch your wallet. The person who drives you home. The person who walks you to the door with no expectation of being asked in. The person who kisses you and leaves.

Wait for the person who wants to meet your parents and know about your family. The one who has compliments that aren’t ‘you’re hot’ but rather ‘you look beautiful today.’ The person that uses social media and texting, not as a game but knows they are too good to even be playing such a thing.

Wait for the person who will pick up the phone and call you. Because those people do exist.

Chivalry isn’t out of date or old fashion. It’s a trend that will never grow old. And gentlemen are out there and meeting one can only happen if you uphold these standards yourself as a woman, regardless of how unrealistic it may seem in today’s society.


If you want to meet a quality person you have to be of quality yourself.

If you don’t like the way dating is today stop playing the game. Delete your apps. Stop jumping at every like. Stop being impressed by a simple text. Expect a response every time. If you want something more, you have to expect more and know what you deserve.

Once you set the standards, you’re going to be waiting for a little but that’s okay. Waiting isn’t a bad thing. What this generation is missing is patience. So if you can be patient, if you can understand that wanting best of something won’t be in the form of instant gratification and if you are willing to wait, you’ll end up in that relationship that is rare. You’ll end up changing this generation of dating at least in your own life. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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