It’s Hard To Sit Here And Pretend You Aren’t Everything I Want In A Person

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“She’s the first thing I think about every day. How is she? Does she miss me like I miss her? How do I get her back? And then another day without her begins.” – One Tree Hill

Moving on. Everyone talks about it like it’s the easiest thing in the world until you have to be the one to do it.

How do you look at someone you love and do such a thing?

How do people call it love then give up so easy?

How do you even look at anyone else, when that panging in your chest only feels for one person?

How do you spend time with anyone else when you know you wish it were them?

How do you look back at the pictures and not long for the past?

How do you control them not being your first thought when you wake up before your eyes even open?

You don’t. And this is the reality of heartbreak.

It’s watching someone completely destroy you and your heart breaking to pieces but you still love them.

It’s trying to understand them, instead of being angry that’s it’s over. It’s trying to be grateful for what you had, even though you don’t have it anymore.

But how do you move on, when the person you were with was everything you could have wanted in a person?

How do you suddenly change these standards you previously had, when they were the ones to set the bar so high?

How do you do better, when you think you’ve already had the best?

You were everything I could have asked for in a person. I looked at you like you were the only one that mattered. I genuinely thought you were the best-looking person I’ve ever laid eyes on and there were moments I’d pinch myself because I was so happy to be standing beside. More than just looks, it was who you were that made me fall in love with you. It’s very rare someone is as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside. But you were it. You were everything I wanted. You amazed me with how you handled things in your own life. Even the daily stresses. You taught me about strength and were always the strong one when I couldn’t be. You understood things without me having to explain it. You were there for me and I never had to ask twice. You’d surprise me so often but it was never something I took for granted. When it came to you, I counted my blessings always. You were gentle and kind in the way you treated everyone. If there were negative thoughts you had about anyone, I never heard it come from your mouth. If you judged people you’d never show it, you simply would accept them.

So how you move on from that?

How do you just pretend someone isn’t everything you ever wanted?

How do you meet someone else when everyone else feels like a downgrade?

With you, even the most perfect unflawed person wouldn’t touch you. They couldn’t even come close.

I love you enough to accept and respect the fact this is what you wanted. But it still hurts. It hard thinking back to where we were and believing we won’t be there again one day. It’s hard to believe the strong feelings we once shared could simply be lost.

It hurts looking at you and thinking maybe it was me who wasn’t enough. It hurts running through the details, wondering if I didn’t do enough for you.

And I know it might not be true but that’s what it feels like sometimes.

They say time heals everything but all I’ve gained in the trying to get over you is a feeling of being incomplete without you.

Maybe I valued you too much or maybe you actually were all these things.

But I’ll move on like I’m supposed to. I’ll go out like they tell me too. I’ll smile and laugh and learn to live with this.

But if ever we cross paths and I look down at my feet or turn the other way, know it’s because I still love you and am still hurting. If ever we run into each other and I’m holding someone else’s hand and even if he seems to make me smile, just know I’m wishing it were you instead.

I haven’t given up on us and I can’t imagine a day when I will. And maybe I’m hurting myself holding onto to something like this but something tells me it’s not over.

The truth is, I’ve always been and will always be yours, if ever you should ask that of me again.

Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

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