Walking Away Wasn’t Easy For Me But I Had To

 Jesse Herzog
Jesse Herzog

Our ending was so difficult because the truth was, we never actually began anything. We danced in this gray area of almosts and one day and fantasies that never would become reality.

But that didn’t mean goodbye didn’t break me when we finally said it. It didn’t make it easier walking away when all I wanted to do was turn back around.

Leaving didn’t mean I didn’t love you but I had to learn to love myself.

Pain did not come knocking first, asking if we were finally a couple. It did not discriminate against anyone. It merely went after it’s victims for a feeling. And what I felt for you was so strong, I held on longer than I should have because I did think we’d end up together one day.

I think I loved you more because you never were mine but I wanted you to be.

But it became a tired game I felt I was playing alone. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I couldn’t keep trying to be enough because it wasn’t about being my best, what it came down to was we weren’t right for each other. Loving you as deeply as I could wouldn’t change that.

Eventually, I stopped believing in us. Eventually, I realized I might have been wrong, investing so much of my heart into someone.

So I said goodbye and it completely broke me. Letting you go was the hardest thing I ever did but I knew something good would come of it.

Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Don’t keep following me and liking everything I post. Because I quit. If it’s a game you wanted, it’s a game you won but when it comes to love, I’m the type of person who plays for keeps. And you were never going to love me back.

I walked away for both of us. I deserve someone different and you deserve someone you’re sure of.

You always told me I was strong I just never thought I’d have to use that strength against you. Because this does hurt me and it breaks my heart giving up on you.

I’m stuck between my heart telling me to stay and try again but my head telling me don’t be an idiot.

I need someone who needs me. I need someone who wants me.

I know you care, we both do. You don’t love me enough to be with me but you love me enough to not want to let me go. But I need you to do just that.

If you care about me at all, you’ll let me find someone who can give what you can’t.

You’ve held me for so long without touch

but I can’t stay here in the same spot anymore, knowing we aren’t going anywhere. I need stability in my life and I need someone who can provide that for me.

I don’t look at it as giving up. I look at it as for the first time, I’m giving myself what I deserve. I’m just sorry that person couldn’t be you. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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