I Could Have Missed The Pain But That Would Have Meant Missing You

Aaron Anderson
Aaron Anderson

I think even if we never met I would have spent the rest of my life looking for you. Even if I never knew you, I knew a piece of me would have been missing. It was in finding you I found myself. I looked at you for so long and I realized this is where I’m supposed to be in life.

Every memory you were a part of made me so happy. I looked at you not only did I see someone I loved but I saw someone who loved me equally in return. For so long it felt like the love between us would never run out. It felt like we complimented each other so beautifully it was so easy to get lost in it. And time added to my confidence in you because I thought we had this forever thing.

I became we and I just wanted you. And everyone began to see it was us against the world. Because wherever I went people would ask how you were. And it was something back then I always knew the answer to.

It was in every door you opened. Every dollar you never let me spend. It was in the flowers you always bought just because. It was every forehead kiss and waking up next to someone who told me they loved me and would never stop. It was the mornings I wore your sweatshirt and every picture in a frame. I remember every slow dance. I remember every party. How you were always the center of attention and I watched from afar amazed how you had chosen me.

You were beautiful in a way that captivated anyone who interacted with you. It was a laugh that was contagious and a smile that that made my heart melt.

It was in your sincerity. It was in your love. It was in your support and always wanting what was best for me. It was giving me your best and that made me better.

At some point everything changed.

I watched as my world came crashing down and all I could do was stare blankly at it all. I fell to my knees as you uttered goodbye. I fell asleep in puddles of my own tears and would wake up gasping for breath as you met me in my dreams. I woke up and my heart physically hurt. I’d reach for my phone only this time it were different. I used to see “good morning beautiful,” across my screen. That shifted from seeing no messages but a picture of us in the background.

It was a picture of us in love. It was a picture of what I saw to be our future. But I guess fate had different plans.

There aren’t words to describe this pain I feel. There is an emptiness as I go through the motions of my day. There are things I want to tell you but I can’t.

I fear the day we cross paths and we look across the room and we look into each other’s eyes. In yours I’ll see a place that used to always feel like home, but also we’ll each see a stranger we once knew and that’s what will break me.

For so long when people thought of me they also thought of you. We were the envy of everyone.

I wonder if their hearts will hurt as mine does when they find out.

Everything about my life without you feels a little different. I had forgotten what it was really like to be alone. It’s you I see everywhere I go. It’s everyone else’s lives going on and I feel mine hasn’t.

But even with the pain. Even knowing heartbreak. Even if I knew how this would end. I think I’d still choose you. I think I’d pick you every time. Because I would rather walk through this place that semi seems like a living hell than never have known you. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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