I Will Only Drag You Deeper Into My Darkness If I Let You Love Me

Linas Vaitonis
Linas Vaitonis

There wasn’t anyone I trusted more. There wasn’t anyone who knew me the way you did.

We each danced so gracefully with each other’s demons it would have been easy to mistake me for your soulmate.

And maybe we were. Just maybe this lifetime wasn’t meant to be ours.

It was in you I saw parts of myself. But I’ll admit it was parts of myself I didn’t like. The parts of myself I kept tucked away in the normal hours I saw in your eyes looking back at me.

It was the parts of myself I kept hidden like skeletons to dusty closets.

You knew my demons. You knew my flaws. You knew everything. There would have been no mystery to us ever.

But the truth of the matter is I couldn’t let myself love you because I knew it would end in heartbreak.

Cause that’s what I do best. I hurt people. And I know you wouldn’t be able to handle that sort of thing.

And the truth is I’d rather be a crutch helping you every time you stumble than be the one knocking your feet out from under you.

So no I can’t love you. I can’t even try to. Because I know how that story will end. I know how I’ll write the end to that story and I respect you too much to put you through something like that.

Because the truth is as long as you’ve known me, as long as you’ve loved me I’ve always belonged to someone else. Even in those moments where it felt I was there as you ran your fingers through my hair I wasn’t thinking of you.

So I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you deserve.

I know you once thought it’d be us in the end and I’ll admit I flirted with the idea in my mind.

But the truth is this world is a little too mad and all I am is crazy for anyone but you.

Combining people like us would create a force left to combust and one of us comes out of it destroyed. I refuse to destroy you more than the world already has.

Because people like us we were never meant to find each other. We were meant to think we were alone in this routine we call life.

And now that we’ve found each other, we know we aren’t the only crazy ones out there. We know there’s at least one person as mad as we are.

But you don’t deserve someone whose only best at leaving. You deserve someone who gives you a reason to stay. You deserve someone who will add light to your life not further drag you into darkness.

So no I can’t love you. Because darling I can’t even love myself. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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