To My Former BFF: Here’s The Apology I Never Said

Somewhere along the way you become another name on a list of people I regret. Somehow we went from talking to every day to becoming complete strangers. Pictures gathered with as much dust as it is disgust for how we got to where we were. I’ll admit it was a silence that broke me. But what hurt most were your final words. They say in someone’s final moments it’s only then you realize who a person truly is. What broke me was you spent so much time deceiving me.

I didn’t think you of all people would become my worst enemy.

I’d love to blame you. While my heart is heavy as I think back to every memory you turned sour. I know in part just as it took me to build up this relationship just maybe I too am responsible for its fatal destruction.

Dirty looks. Mean words. Things we each regret. Tears. I’m not here to rehash the past as much as I am coming to you with much regret for the way things played out with us. Because all I ever wanted and all I ever thought was of every person in my life you’d be there in the end of it.

You taught me I can lose just about anyone at any moment.

But more than anything I want you to know how truly sorry I am for my part in it. Had I known how it would have ended maybe I could have done something different? Maybe things could have changed. Maybe you’d still be here.

I don’t know if you drive past my house too and recall those times where we used to enter through the front door and go right to the fridge.

I miss you. Despite how angry I initially was, I’ll be the first to admit it was masked pain. Hating you for as long as I did was the only way I could get over it. The way we ended hurt more than any relationship ever could.

I look back at every memory and while it hurts I am grateful for the times it was good. I’m grateful for your loyalty in the time you were. And I still look back at things and find myself laughing. There was so much good between us. I think that’s what made it hurt so bad. And it wasn’t all perfect. We challenged each other. We fought like sisters. But for so long we overcame so much together.

But somewhere along the way you cared to stop trying. I would have never done that to you.

There are days when I want to call you up. Days where I want to tell you everything I’ve ever wanted is coming true. Days where I just need my best friend. But then I remember we’re strangers. I remember we aren’t even acquaintances because I think that would hurt more. Just knowing where we’ve been and that we’ll never get there again. But I do miss you. I do still love you. And I’d still be here if ever you needed me.

It pains me the thought of crossing paths in the future. And you’ll look at me and I’ll look away with a heavy heart because we both know it wasn’t supposed to end this way.