Things You Should Do Instead Of Going To Work Today

In the midst of completing my first year in the “real world” and working for a Fortune 100 company, I have something to say:

Life’s too short to not take completely healthy sick days.

Also, chances are your job — yes, Fortune 100 jobs included — is not nearly as important as you think it is. Let me briefly clarify: real sick days should be taken, well, whenever you’re really sick. Seriously, stay the eff home. I can promise you that none of your coworkers care how dedicated or tough you are for coming to work. We all think you’re an idiot for not taking a sick day and an a-hole for coughing all over the office. Way to go sneeza-saurus-rex, you douche. That’s actually exactly what the rest of the office is thinking, verbatim. “Well that report isn’t going to run itself, you know!” Actually, it’s the 21st century and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it just might. You know what else I’m going to bet on? That nobody even reads your stupid report. Maybe they scroll over it, but it probably DOESN’T EVEN UN-BOLD in 97% of recipient mailboxes EVER.

So anyway, my point is that we should all be taking completely healthy sick days here and there to avoid both being the office jerk and staying in what my roommate likes to call “auto-pilot,” where we blandly exist and maneuver through the daily grind, purposeless and un-intrigued by anything. Why wait until we’re actually sick and exhausted to skip out on work? That just seems like a lose-lose situation to me, so I’ve thought of a few of the best, albeit unorthodox, ways to successfully reboot your system.

First and foremost,

Lie in bed and masturbate ALL. DAMN. DAY.

Or, at least for an entire morning — what better way to wake up, right? I mean, unless you count actually having sex, but that involves another human being, and then we’d have to take this article on a whole ‘nother tangent that we simply don’t have the time for. Regardless, there isn’t a single person who hasn’t done this or at least thought about doing this. And so, friends, here’s your chance. Similar to an all day spa cleanse, multiple back-to-back orgasms can do wonders for the mind, body and soul. If everyone in the world got down with their bad self just once a week, we would have no wars. Fact. So go on and let your freak flag fly high for an entire day. Keep your bedroom door open and your laptop volume on high and press play on your favorite and dirtiest porn. Girl-on-girl? Guy-on-guy? Face masks and public humiliation? Hey man, don’t worry; no one’s home. And remember: you’re doing this for world peace.

Read something you want to read for once, and on actual paper.

We have evolved over the course of thousands of years only to stay seated with our shoulders slouched, blindly staring at a one-dimensional screen of dull light for one-third of our day. We fervently watch numbers ticking along the bottom of a television screen or spend hours a day copying and pasting data from one excel chart to another. Maybe we even scroll over sneez-a-saurus rex’s douchey report. Point is, we read so much and learn so little.

So, I don’t care what’s on your parchment paper, but sit back in that big comfy reading chair with your morning coffee (complete with baileys and Jameson) and read something NOT on a screen. Skim through your favorite classic, re-read an old love letter, or even whip out some Edgar Allen Poe and get #deep. For those of us who aren’t intellectual enough to own any three of those items, also acceptable are People magazine, anything by Chelsea Handler, and even the newspaper if you really must. As long as you are flipping pages instead of clicking pages, we’re set. Besides, you’re going to be spending all of your allotted screen time on the porn marathon, anyway.

Take part in alternative exercise.

I’m not talking about zumba. In fact, I would never publicly advise anyone to take zumba — but that’s just me. Formerly known as “life,” alternative exercise includes activities such as walking. Perhaps to the corner store for some milk and eggs, or perhaps to the liquor store for that Baileys and Jameson (this is a judgment-free zone). Walk anywhere you want and just enjoy the privilege of it. Additionally, we will accept laughing in this category. TC Mark

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  • CrescentMelissa

    I know how I am spending my Friday.

  • Sarah

    Don’t feel like masturbating all day, but I will take you up on that walk to the liquor store…I mean corner store..

  • Michelle

    I enjoyed this read, but was disappointed when it was over — wish you would have come up with some more interesting things to do when I call my boss coughing tomorrow morning.

  • Daria Preston

    This is a very spot on article. Thanks for the inspiration to live, and not breeze through :)

  • Franz

    Great topics for your articles. Also I like how you spell your name. Actually I like pretty much everything I know about you so far

    • Kirsten Chen

      Hey, thanks man. I like you, too!

  • dani

    this is a judgement free zone…except when you mention the word zumba.

  • http://Montag Guy

    I didn’t make it through the whole thing. I’m stuck on the idea that you write things like “eff” and “a-hole”. Though I’m intrigued about your thoughts on an all day masterbathon, I thought someone should point out that the computer screen is not 1-dimensional, but 2 dimensional.
    I stopped reading after that.
    It might seem like I’m needlessly picking on you, but really, you mentioned your being employed at a fortune-100 company several times and your writing doesn’t reflect such an honor. I thought notable careers were reserved for hard working people, and hard-working people wouldn’t publish something (even on the internet) without thoroughly, or even partially making sure it’s worth publishing.

    • Amy

      Hey man, instead of pointing out nonsense facts about “hard-working people” (especially when this is a joke article and not meant for the WSJ or some shit) , why dontcha get off Urban and read a book. Because, uhhh, “hard-working people” certainly don’t use the term “masterbathon”. Mmmmmkay?

      • http://Montag Guy

        Amy. You see Masterbathon, was a combination of “masturbation” and “marathon”. kind of like “dontcha” is a combination of “don’t” and “you”, except “dontcha” is reserved for uneducated people. Incidentally, when trying to arrange a rebuttal, especially in writing, one should refrain from using, “Uhhh”, and “Mmmmmm”. You see, when speaking out-loud, if one were to utter a tone such as “uhhh” it typically tells the audience, ‘I don’t know what I’m talking about, therefore I will fill the empty air with semi-audible tones’. What you add the sounds to your writing, you seem like your 14 years old and again, quite uneducated.

        Now, your point, I believe, is that I shouldn’t be “pointing out nonsense facts”. First, “nonsense facts” is a contradiction in terms, if they are facts, they shouldn’t be nonsense, but actually perfect sense. Don’t you think? I’m sorry, Dontcha think?
        Secondly, let’s assume you read my reply and thought to yourself, ‘Perhaps he is right, when he says, “hard-working people wouldn’t publish something (even on the internet) without thoroughly, or even partially making sure it’s worth publishing”.’ Then perhaps, if your thought process would allow you to think a little further, you wouldn’t have publish your reply to my comment in such a profoundly uncultivated manner.

        p.s. Urbandictionary?

  • Nikki

    Reblogged this on confessions of an escapist.

  • Eric Reiter

    As an office worker, I would love to post this on the door of our Sales VP, who constantly comes into the office hacking up a lung. However, the thought of her masturbating in bed all day is enough to make me want to vomit.

    On an unrelated note, am I the only one who has noticed the high density of pretty girls who post stories on this site?

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