If some women are like wine, then some men are like cheese. What two things could be more different, yet make so much delectable sense together, right? This thought popped into my head one fine evening in the land of College Park, MD, where I lounged in my tiny living room with two of my best friends and roommates. As was customary of most evenings, the three of us sprawled out on our school-provided couches and indulged gluttonously in the art of eating entire blocks of cheese and sleeves of crackers, while watching mentally-taxing shows like Wife Swap and Ru Paul’s Drag Race. We began discussing cheese (not an abnormal topic, by any means) and started analyzing how various cheeses were a lot like various boyfriends. Not just in the way they look or feel or taste (ew, get your mind out of the gutter), but also in their character. Also, in the way they make you feel. Maybe this is why none of us got a 4.0. Whatever.
So, this cheese tangent escalated very quickly, and I have since thought of the many varieties of cheese and boyfriends and how to best describe each, and here’s the breakdown:
Oh, American cheese, how we love you. The “Kraft single” of the dating world, if you will. Always attractive in a symmetrical, often predictable kind of way, an American cheese is a reliable date and at least a few outings with one is a must for every girl. Spend time together at a barbecue or the local bar, but try to stay away from anything too high fashion or fancy, the American cheese prefers to keep it real and is best paired with a burger-and-beer kind of girl.
Zee spice of life! A pepper jack cheese is zesty, baby. This cheese is fond of salsa dancing, making passionate and sweaty love, and has the highest chance of being gay. Regardless, a night out with a pepper jack is a night to remember. With just the right amount of zing, you can always go for a hit of pepper jack, but be warned to consume only in small doses. Too much of this cheese and you might end up with a burning sensation between the loins, and not the good kind.
Muenster cheese is everything you want in a cheese. You like, totally LOVE Muenster cheese, just not like that. Maybe the cheese pheromones are off, or you’re just so comfortable with it by now that you only see it as a platonic relationship. You could spend every night with Muenster cheese, yet never yearn for it. No cravings, just comfort. The Muenster cheese has been friend-zoned. Dagger.
Total hunk. Pure perfection.
Ah, the appeal of a bad cheese. No matter how many times you think you’ve quit, you flee back at moments of insecurity or confusion only to wake up the next morning filled with shame and regret. You are especially vulnerable to the nacho cheese late at night after imbibing excessive amounts of alcohol. Be vigilant to stay away from this cheese when feeling sad or on the rebound. It isn’t worth the fleeting pleasure, sweetie, just walk away…
Epoisses de Bourgogne
I actually just googled “fancy cheeses” and this came up. Specifically, it came up under “French cheeses” (LOL, the French and their cheese). I’m not really sure what it is, but I’d expect to find it haughtily posted up at the head of a table ordering the crackers and breads around it like a boss. Expensive and enlightened, this is a cheese to be seen with but not actually be with. You know what I mean?
Mysterious and versatile, dating a blue cheese can be very confusing. Sprinkled on a salad or paired with a steak, you never know how heavy things are going to get with this cheese. Definitely a cheese worth experimenting with as it has an impossibly strong appeal. Your best bet is to read the labels and measure carefully before getting too involved. Once you are in too deep, moving on from this crumbly goodness can be a difficult and painful experience.
Cultured, yet approachable, the mozzarella cheese truly has its own atmosphere. Sometimes dating a mozzarella can seem like dating a large haze of palatable intrigue. Don’t be fooled, though, this cheese cleans up nicely and is known for showing up at your door suited up (think, string cheese). Just don’t f-ck with it if it shows up with a friend (think, twisty string cheese). Unless you’re down for that, I guess.
Laughing Cow Swiss cheese
The wildcard of the bunch, a laughing cow cheese will sweep you off your feet in an instant with remarkable charm! This particular cheese has an advantage against all the other cheese, because it’s actually Swiss cheese (and I don’t know, I personally have little-to-no attraction to Swiss cheese). As an underdog cheese, you may think it’s the only cheese on earth you wouldn’t date. Then, you try it on a whim and realize how flavorful and unique it is and you’re like DAMN when is Laughing Cow Swiss cheese going to call me already? Soon thereafter, you find it has seven other equally-as-awesome friends that all of YOUR single friends would totally go for AND on top of it, it’s only 35-50 calories. Um, can you say “long-term relationship?”
After all this talk, I wonder about people who don’t eat cheese at all. I’ve concluded they must either be lesbians, virgins, or lactose intolerant and so, none of this applies to them. I also have some questions. Is it slutty to want the sampler platter? Can you date two cheeses from the same family? What if they’re from different zip codes? If certain wine and cheese don’t mix well at first, will they ever? Can you, like, adjust your taste buds so they get used to it? And what differentiates a good cheese from a bad cheese?
I guess at the end of the day, cheese and wine are a lot alike. Each always has more than one layer of flavor involved and can usually pair well with a few different partners. Albeit, some better than others. The only real way to know which pairs work best, though, is to try ‘em out. But don’t put up with any that give you a belly ache. And remember that, though it’s important to keep an open mind, you can usually tell if you like a cheese or not just by hearsay and/or being in its presence for 10-ish minutes. So, you know, cheese wisely.