If Women Were Types Of Wine

Okay, so in response to some reader requests for an equally-as-judgmental comparison of women to wine, I did some field research and have come up with the following analysis. Though I’m no seasoned lez, I still have a va-jay (and I’m positive we’re all bi) so I feel pretty comfortable with the topic (of wine.) Additionally, I have my guy roommates sitting in the room with me. So, blame them.


The muscatel is our California sweetheart. She’s fitted perfectly into a pair of daisy dukes or a sundress and her long, sun-kissed legs can, interestingly enough, be found bouncing around the dessert table most evenings or laying poolside with some fresh fruit. She’s super cute, but so totally ditzy, too. Though you may have to keep the conversation light with this wine, it’s always worth it to end the night with her.

Boxed Wine

You know the deal, friends. Everyone’s rode the tour de Franzia. Everyone’s slapped the bag! This limitless wine is the life of the party. She’s probably in college and it’s likely that your roommate, or entire frat, knows her very well. Most guys enjoy hanging out with boxed wine, and for a reason. She goes out every night and gets the whole party going. She’s a number one seller for a reason, right!?


Remember your 7th grade girlfriend? Or, whoever’s V-card you stole? She’s a merlot. A starter wine, if you will. She was your introduction to poisoned grapes the lovely world of fine and balanced wines, and she captures effervescent innocence in a glass. Easy on the palate, the Merlot will always have a place in your heart.

Red Zinfandel

The Duchess. This wine is sharp-tongued and sexy and usually accompanied by some piercing eyes. She’s most likely to make you feel three feet tall and/or be your boss. She’s also closet crazy. Calculative and daring, you better be sure you want to date this wine before you drink too much because, have no doubt about it, she will slip some arsenic in your next glass.

Pinot Grigio

Pinot Grigio is the wine you can relate to. At first. She’s sweet and caring but unfortunately gets attached easily and is most likely to want “closure” after the two dates you went on. Not quite as pretty as Muscat and too smart to be Franzia, the Pinot Grigio is the wine who you always email to get the notes from the class you always miss. And she always sends them to you. *Potential Stage Five Clinger Warning*


Exotic and sassy, this wine is certainly not for the faint of heart. She’s pepper jack cheese’s sexy sister and has the same zesty amount of zing! She loves to dance, definitely has a nice ass and may not shave her cho-cha. At all. This wine is best paired with the adventurous and confident man as she refuses to be tied down.


Chardonnay is the girl next door. As she may not have bloomed until high school or college, you can bank on finding a charming character behind this wine’s beautiful appearance. The chardonnay is a tom-boy/adventurer at heart, so she might be a classic rock fan or have an off-beat, artsy streak. She will steal your heart just by wearing her favorite team’s sports jersey and enjoying a cold brew whilst watching the game (that she actually can understand). Warning: watch out for other white wine bimbos disguised as Chardonnay. They’re the ones who Google sports statistics before the game.

Two-Buck Chuck

See boxed-wine. But, ten years later and disguised as your first-grade daughter’s PTA President.

Pinot Noir

Versatile and intellectual, a Pinot Noir is the type of wine you want to bring back home to mom. She’s a classy fox and can rock a center parted pony-tail and a LBD (little black dress) like nobody’s business. Take this wine out to a nice restaurant or a cocktail party, though, not to the bars. She shines at dinner parties or any +1 events, and is one of the few wines who can chat up anyone without embarrassing you. #Wifey



Chocolate Wine

Need I say more? Yes, it exists. (I found it at a CVS) Yes, I drank it. And duh f-cking duh, it rocked my world.


Vueve Clicquot, to be precise. None of those wanna-be Korbel hoes. So middle-class. This wine is either a blonde bomb-shell or a fabulous Jewish-American Princess (Oh, please. Don’t give me that look.) This sparkling wine is going to cost you a pretty penny, but that’s probably why you’re dating her. The queen of high-maintenance, champagne is restricted ONLY for high rollers. A night out on the town may consist of being followed by the paparazzi and/or visiting Tiffany’s. To snag Champagne, all you have to do is purchase a rooftop flat in Chelsea, have silk robes on hand at said flat, and most importantly, book VIP reservations at the sexiest brunch spot in town.

So there you have it, folks. And in closing, as one previous commentator put the comparisons perfectly, cheese might give you a stomachache, but wine will kill youTC Mark

image – Shutterstock

More From Thought Catalog