You’re Never Going To Have A Real Relationship Until You Stop Looking For Love

Timothy Kolczak
Timothy Kolczak

Even if some deny it, everyone wants (and even needs) love.

The good news is we are naturally good at love. As children, we are born with a beautiful, open capacity to love and be loved; the ability to open our hearts and minds to people and let them into our lives.

But here is the catch, Sugarpants – if you are out there single and dating, for as much as we talk about love every day in our culture and media, we are not actually looking for love.

Love comes easily. The rush of that emotion is one of the most uncomplicated things on earth.

However, what we don’t get is that most break-ups do not happen because of love. Rarely do we “fall out of love” or does it “fade away.” That actually doesn’t exist.

It is not that love changes,- love is just an emotion. It can’t change. What changes, and is the real conversation we need to be having, is the relationship.

We get so caught up in the chemicals, chemistry and connection in the beginning of dating and love that we forget to look at all of the other stuff that makes relationships work. The stuff that matters. The stuff that actually makes or breaks our relationships.

And if we haven’t done the work up front to learn how to communicate, solve problems together, understand love languages, set healthy boundaries and truly take care of each other…you know, the important stuff, it makes no different how strong the love and connection is in the beginning.

You will end up standing there with your heart in your hand, again and again, wondering what the fuck happened.

Truth: Love is a beautiful part of the relationship, but it is only the beginning.

That movie moment: holding-hands-on-your-front-porch-when-you-are-90 kind of dream that most people have doesn’t happen because of love, it means you created a relationship strong enough to keep the love going.

Ultimately, you may be having a hard time at this dating/relationships thingy – not because of love – but because you have not been role-modeled the skills to have a relationship.

Unlike love, it is not a gift you were born with and it is not a super power that you get from a radioactive spider bite.

It is a learned behavior, and most likely what you learned was…meh. At best.

When we were wee things we learned about relationships everywhere. We were like little sponges watching the way the world interacts. Movies and television, our parents and other adult figures in our lives, our own experiences with others…and let’s be honest, sometimes we did not have the best role models. Kids can be mean, and adults have their own flaws that make seeing how to connect with people and create long lasting relationships almost obsolete.

What it leaves us with is a seriously messed up view of what relationships look and feel like.

So we go out there “looking for love,” get hooked on the temporary attraction, and are left confused when relationships don’t work out asking “didn’t they love me enough?”- “Is it me? Am I unlovable?” When it never really was about love.

That’s why it is time we to stop looking for love (I mean, it isn’t hiding under a bushel or anything) and time to start figuring out how to create a relationship with another perfectly flawed human. Starting by taking the time to figure out what we need to feel good and having the confidence to communicate it. So we can slowly build it day after day.

Because I believe: the rush of attraction has absolutely nothing on the unconditional love that happens with a truly healthy relationship. Where you wake up every morning knowing you are loved. Fully and completely, just as you are. TC mark

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