I was not always nice to you. At times, you could say I was at times even horrible to you. Sometimes I forgot you were even there as I only focused on other people, because as ashamed as I am to admit it, I thought there was always someone out there who was prettier, smarter, and funnier—just better.
And I was wrong, terribly wrong.
While I was busy looking around for someone better to look up to, you were there for me. You waited for me to go back home to you. I am a good-for-nothing person to let you go through all that doubt. I made you into an insecure and anxious person. It is all my fault, I’m so sorry.
For many years, I have neglected your presence, your personality, and your hopes and dreams. You dimmed down your light for me so it wouldn’t make my eyes pinched when I look at your bright aura. You silenced your thoughts to the world and towards me because, at some point, I didn’t listen to you anymore. Your smile vanished as well when you looked at me because I never smiled back.
So, it will come as a surprise when I say this to you: What if I told you I’ve loved you all this time?
You might wonder why I treated you so badly. It’s because I didn’t know myself. I was a coward seeking validation in others. I was lost in a dark place while thinking I didn’t deserve any love from you. I was afraid.
From the outside, it looked like I dismissed you. But in my mind, I haven’t forgotten about you, because you were always in the back of my mind. I’ve loved you all this time, only I needed time and space to really get to know myself. There were distractions everywhere that kept me from showing that I love you.
I hope you can forgive me for all the times that I have inflicted my toxic behavior on you. I apologize for the times you held in your tears for my sake because you knew I hated it. I apologize for the times you faked a smile to assure me that you were happy, despite having more than enough reason to feel miserable after how poorly I treated you. I’ve loved you since day one, but I never have shown it to you enough that you would believe me.
I can’t promise you to show you my love to you every single day, because I admit it is extremely hard to do so. But I will still try my best to make the best out of it. I promise not to conveniently walk away when things get hard and to celebrate you when things are going well. From now on, I will aim to do everything in my power to show you that I’ve loved you all this time.