The first time that I went out, I followed the trail of light that seems to get lighter as I continuously walked down the path that has been colored into a bright golden yellow color. It was soothing, almost in a way that my soul got nourished again after a very long hibernation. All my muscles still felt sore and made a cracking sound when I stretched my arms out. But soon my eyes started to hurt from the brightness of the sky, and my ears couldn’t handle the overlapping sound of an unidentified amount of voices.
So I retreated and crept back into the closet and locked myself up in total darkness.
Leaning against the wooden surface and hiding between the clothes so no one could see how embarrassed I was.
Though there was no light coming in the closet, the small space made it hard for me to find the right position to sleep in. All the tossing and turning made me dizzy and nauseous. The only option was to lay still. While my physical body stays unmoved, my mind was driving over hours to keep me away from another good night rest.
The next morning I decided to take a leap of faith and open the closet door after having been closed for twenty-four hours. The same trail of light reveals itself before me and I thought I saw footsteps in the shadow of the sunlight for a moment. After I blinked my eyes for a few times, the footsteps remained at the same spots. Birds chirping cheerfully and excited that it shook me out of the constant buzzing sound of my own anxiety for the time being. And that has triggered me to take the first step out of the closet again, this time on the footprint before me. Once my right foot touched the ground, I followed the rest of the footsteps. Each step was less heavy on my heart and at some point, I even started to find myself light on my feet and dancing on the rhythm of the chirping birds.
Further down the road, I shed invisible layers of toxicity that kept me from feeling.
Each layer I laid down, a new found feeling aroused in me. An overwhelming flood of sadness went over me. Deeper down the road, I was able to feel deeper, such as feelings of hurt and bitterness. Then, the path came to an end and I stood on the edge of a bridge, with meters of air below me. But I was afraid. Too afraid to continue to walk. The chirping sound made me look back. As I look back on how many steps I have taken, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
After a deep breath, I removed the heaviest layer off my body: fear.
After having it covered me for such a long time, I got used to it and confused it with a safety blanket. When it hit the ground, the soil below me started to rumble and shake. As fast as a lightning bolt, I went as straight as a line through the unstable bridge, laughing like an idiot while running through the air and feeling like I could finally handle the uncertainties of life.
Not hiding from it, not running away from it but accepting that it is a part of life.