Years ago, I was traveling through Asia with my friends. At some point, we were in Bali, Indonesia. The one thing I had never done in my life & wanted to do so badly: watching the sun rise while I stand on top of a mountain despite my fear of heights. Thus, one night, we were heading to the mountains to see the morning sunrise. On our way, I saw the shining stars with the clear black sky in the background right above me. As if I can touch it with my bare hands. I would never forget the feeling of astonishment that I had at that moment. It felt so unreal to me. I never told my friends about this – but seriously – right at that moment when the beauty of nature filled my eyes, it almost made me shed a tear out of wonder and happiness. I had the same feeling of astonishment when we were finally on top of the mountain – after hours to get there – when the sun covered us in warmth and her beauty let us gazed in awe.
I have not seen a sunrise since then. Let alone shining stars above me.
Problems were piling up. Not only mine but also others who I deeply cared about. I am like a sponge. I sense other happiness, thus also their unhappiness. The people who let me down didn’t even know that I also carried all their problems with me as I worried as much as they did about themselves.
It’s not that my smile disappeared – the sad thing is – I saw my real emotion behind the smile I was unconsciously putting on most of the time. I had no control over it and I cannot seem to make it real again, at least not for a long period of time. I was putting up a bold front but was meanwhile breaking down inside
Sometimes, I wonder when the sunrise is coming back.
The darkness is like a giant cloud covering the sun, for a very long time now. But you know what, even clouds have to move away at some point to make space for the sun to shine through and give all living organisms on the planet a warm pat on the back and comfort us that it will get better. Life knocks us down, so we can rise again.
Otherwise, you lead your life as a straight line. It’s safe and predictable. You know you won’t have struggles to climb a mountain. You also will know that you won’t fall off the road, ending up in the terrifying unknown.
It’s neither exciting or dangerous, it’s just indifferent.
You only see the road ahead of you. No obstacles to challenge you. You are not high enough to touch the clouds, nor down enough to see the bright lava of the erupted volcano. Your life is an endless straight road, not even a rocking stone to stumble over or a high point to stand on where you feel your palms are sweating because of your fear of heights – but at the same time – full of adrenaline and actual happiness when seeing the speechless view of city lights that make you speechless.
You need the days to appreciate the moon and you need the nights to appreciate the sun.
You need a touch of a snowflake on your face to appreciate morning sun rays which wake you early in the morning through the gap between the curtains. You cannot be indifferent. Not in the long run. You need to cry in order to genuinely laugh again. You need to get your heart shatter and scatter in thousand pieces in order to pick up those pieces again and mend it into something better, something stronger. You need to break down in order to dance like nobody’s watching. You need to not care about anything or anyone to find out what and who is worth to care about.
You can see the stars again, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, you will. Trust in this.
For every day I am trying, I am one step away to see that beautiful sunrise and shining stars again.
Without downs, we cannot reach the ups.