I had an emotional break down. It took everything from me. All of the things that I took for granted such as sanity, health and the ability to function all failed me in one go. The definition of a breakdown is literal to the word; it’s when a human being has hit rock bottom and has basically broken down. Like a car breaks down, it no longer works, and that’s what has happened to me.
I started taking my prescribed happiness on Monday evening with the hope that the ability to at least function returns, even if that’s without the health or sanity. Today I have felt down but fine. I feel like I could’ve gone to work. However, when I thought about going to the shop to get some milk after this mornings blood test I couldn’t do it. I physically couldn’t make myself. I was scared. Scared of what I don’t know but I couldn’t do it. I had a moment of panic so I went back home, locked the door and sat alone just sitting. Not even thinking. Just sitting.
I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I have moments of perfect normality where it feels like nothing has changed. But then I can just switch over and the tears start. I’m not even sure where they’ve come from or what I’m crying for, but they’re here anyway.
I’ve been trying to analyse myself. Trying to figure what has happened to me to make me this way. A lot has changed in my life in the last nine months. And accumulation of all of these things has lead me here. I’m not coping. I’ve broken down.
I’m so amazingly disappointed in myself. For everything. Not just this. I worked myself into the ground to get a First Class Honours at University and for what? To have an emotional breakdown at 23 and be signed off of work with “low mood”?
I’m disappointed that I’m unhappy. I’m disappointed that my life has gotten to this point. But most of all, I’m disappointed that I don’t know how to make this all better. I don’t know how to fix myself this time. I have no idea.
However I do remain hopeful. “Everything happens for a reason” is a motto I’ve closely followed since I was 11 years old. This is my path to what is hopefully a brighter future. With some careful planning and a renewed ability to recognise what it is that’s making me unhappy, I feel like I can get past this.
I just need to ride this storm until the sunshine reappears.