The sun was already at its peak when I rolled over to my side to find him still asleep, facing the other side of the bed. I gave him a kiss on his cheek as I mindlessly reached for his phone to check the time.
His messages were on display as I unlocked it, and there it was, a tiny little face, on top of all the other messages, on top of mine. It’s the face he loved for so many years, and maybe, it’s the face he still loved.
I knew that moment that I will break my own heart (even more) if went any further, but I still did. I did click on the tiny face. My mind is racing, so is my heart, my eyes won’t focus on anything.
Sweet nothings, plans for the future, a nude photo, reminders, anniversary greetings, how do I take everything in? Do I stop scrolling, should I cry already? I’m crying already. Should I wake him up? What should I do? He started moving and the only thing I could do was slam his phone on his chest. I haven’t said anything yet, but he knew that I knew.
A lot was running on my mind and I have so many questions. Was I not enough? Maybe he still did love her, maybe he just needed someone to be with. I don’t know. Everything is now ruined, there’s no future for us anymore, all that love, everything I felt for him has gone to waste.
What we had didn’t mean anything to him. How could he do that? I felt so secure, I felt like he loved me. Everything was okay. I gave him what I never gave anyone else, I gave my all, how could he do such thing?
All I could do was cry, and cry, until I finally woke up. More than a year later, I still dreamt of it. I still dream of his face, and her face. I still wake up with tears. Sometimes kicking and scratching at myself. Feeling my heart sink deeper into my chest. Asking myself if I should still be here, then convincing myself that this shall pass. I will be okay again, and it was just a bad dream.
As I nurse my little heart and as I wipe my tears away, the ringing phone snaps me out of my thoughts.
“Mahal?” He said.
“I miss you.”