1. Honey Claus
Gather ‘round, children! I’m about to tell you the tale of a new pudgy, pint-sized Christmas figure named Honey Boo Boo. Mix up some ‘sketti — that’s pasta with butter and ketchup — and leave it on a plate next to the tree on Christmas Eve. As you drift off to dreamland with visions of Sugar Bears dancing in your head, Honey child will roll up in her four-wheeler with Glitzy the pig by her side, distributing ample coupons and holiday cheer. As she drives off into the night, Honey Claus shouts greetings of goodwill like “Vajingle jangle!,” “You better redneckognize!” and “A dolla make me holla!.”
Sure, bros can get “iced” all year-round, but why not make it a little more festive? Grab a quart of your favorite spiked or non-spiked variety of ‘nog (I’m partial to Hood Golden because it makes me feel fancy), and present it to your grinchy co-worker, your grandma, or that random guy on the subway you’ve always wanted to embarrass. Nothing brings people together faster than the forced consumption of a frothy, spiced milk-and-egg concoction.
Introducing DreidAle, the new seasonal beer inspired by those eight crazy nights and not at all by Adam Sandler. Combine the good clean fun of spinning the dreidel with the middle-school-awkwardness of spinning the bottle, and you’ve got a recipe for guaranteed good times and plenty of regret the next morning.
4. A seasonal HGTV special called Gingerbread House Hunters
Yuppie couples search for pre-fab cookie homes while making passive-aggressive comments to each other, uttering typical criticisms like “that shade of gumdrop is hideous” or “this view of the cat’s litter box is really lacking,” and asking important questions such as “Can we afford to re-frost this room?”
5. Sitting on Cee-Lo’s Lap at the Mall
Fact: Santa has really bad breath. Also, Santa doesn’t have a fluffy white cat OR a goddamn bird of paradise that perpetually chills on his shoulder. Santa doesn’t wear sunglasses indoors, don long pimp coats, call you “baby,” or croon soulfully as you tell him what you want this year. Cee-Lo doesn’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice. In fact, he might actually dig a Christmas wild child, so go on with your bad self.