Five Things I Should Probably Stop Doing Now That I’m 25

Okay, so it’s not quite the big 3-0. But 25 is still kind of a big deal, you guys. A quarter of a century. Halfway to 50. Ohmygod I’m old. And the other day, while systematically hiding wedding pictures and giddy status updates about double strollers on my Facebook feed, I had an epiphany. While I do a damn convincing wine-sipping, side-banged yuppie impression, the 16 year-old teenybopper inside is constantly trying to make an appearance. At 24, it was still sort of acceptable and kind of cute and endearing. But now? Tragic failure. Thus, I hereby vow to cease the following activities, effective the eve of my 25th birthday (maybe).

1. Making EasyMac. Seriously, how hard is it to cook for myself? Don’t answer that. It’s just that most days when I get home from a long day at work, I want to shove some goodness in my mouth (…that’s what she said) and be done with it. Plus, I hate leftovers. Clearly, the most prudent solution has been to pop that lil’ blue miracle in the microwave for 3:30 and grimace when I palate the forgotten bits of unmixed cheese. Or, awkwardly stop into my local sushi joint for the second time this week, where I’m greeted with, “Spicy Tuna, right?”

2. Watching Drake and Josh. Don’t hate until you’ve watched an episode and realized how gut-busting it is to see Drake Bell hanging from a ceiling fan, yelling “I’m dangling and rotating!” as he tries to escape from an angry, possessed dog. Or Josh running Oprah over with his car. Comedy writing at its finest. I’ll miss you guys!

3. Wearing SillyBandz and Sally Hansen’s Nail Effects… But they’re FAST FOOD SillyBandz. I couldn’t resist. Anyways, I’m too prone to losing things to wear Pandora and Tiffany and whatnot. And they don’t make anything in day-glo colors or in the shape of a burger, either.

The Nail Effects are going to be the hardest habit to kick. I’ve been working my way through all of those damn decals, from the fishnet to the leopard print. And I never even got to try the houndstooth! Oh, the houndstooth.

4.  Fantasizing about Taylor Hanson Leaving his Wife for Me. Let’s be real. I’ve been thinking about MMMBop-ing that man since 1997, and like a fine wine, he’s truly improved with age. Unfortunately, he also got married and has amassed like, fitty kids. But that hasn’t stopped me from going to almost half a dozen Hanson shows and secretly hoping he picks me out from the crowd, Copperfield-style, to join him backstage and show me where the love REALLY is.

5. Browsing in the Juniors Department. Fortunately, I can’t remember the last time I actually PURCHASED something in Nordstrom’s BP section or Macy’s “The Zone” or “The Edge” or whatever it’s called. Yet, the cute little polka-dotted sundresses and rompers and capri pants always draw me in. Just for a quick peek, until I catch a random tween bitch giving me a dirty look. WHATEVER. Oh, and Forever 21 doesn’t count, obvs.

_____

Tell me I’m not alone, y’all? TC mark

image – Matt MacGillivray

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Yo, I sympathize with you. “Yo”

  • illdoit

    I am ashamed at how much I identify with the Taylor Hanson part.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    damn son

  • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

    I feel so disconnected from your reality. And glad.

  • http://twitter.com/elyseholladay elyse holladay

    +1 for Taylor Hanson. except I mean Zac.

  • Gail

    NEVER stop wearing Nail Effects.  Go buy the butterfly ones right now.

    • dechonmustard

      at LEAST try the houndstooth before you quit!

      • Kim Windyka

        I keep staring longingly at them every time I'm in CVS…

  • http://www.facebook.com/mullanedavid David Mullane

    You have my sympathies also, as another soon-to-be 25 year old.

  • Aelya

    I do none of these things, and I'm not even 20 yet.
    Fuck, I feel old.

  • Ro

    I thought I was the only one who thought Drake and Josh was the funniest show on TV. I feel a lot better now.

  • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

    Drake & Josh is an effing gem. Luckily I still have 3 more years of this to go :3.

  • Omalley

    Everything about this list makes me sad, mostly because I'm turning 25 in October and realizing I should probably take some of this to heart.
    For me, EasyMac = Canned Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup.
    Also, using phrases like “For Realsies” and “Totally” in conversations with people other than my boyfriend should go towards the top of my list. I have a feeling it'll just start getting creepy if I don't break the habit soon.

    • Kim Windyka

      hey, chicken noodle is classic  as far as i'm concerned! and the phrase thing is a good one – i'm especially guilty of  “SWEET”.

  • NissaCam

    Why not own your shit instead of trying to change yourself to meet some arbitrary standard of 25ness?

  • SisterRay

    Nordstrom BP actually has some pretty good shit if you look for it. Even if you do have to endure listening to the “Twilight” soundtrack while you look at sweaters next to a cardboard cutout of Kristen Stewart.

  • halloween shirt

    omfg ive been to 9 hanson concerts and i never told anyone that

    • O'Malley

      Where they hell are they touring? I've lived 3 states since my Hanson love began and haven't heard anything about that. Hell, not even Tinted Windows!

  • http://twitter.com/kelseyland Kelsey Landhuis

    Drake & Josh 4 eva!!!

  • http://twitter.com/AftonHH Afton Hefley

    “Mmmmbop-ing” = hilarious.
    I knew the Hanson boys before they skyrocketed to fame.  They'd play in Tulsa all the time and were in the phone book.  I'd call them up about once a week, randomly, I might add.  Haven't seen Taylor in about 6 years (at a guitar center in Tulsa)….needless to say he didn't remember me at all…and I think that's a good thing because I must've been a bit fanatic back in the day.  
    I was more of a Zac fan.  He sent me a letter with his little cartoon drawings on it for my Birthday one year…..I still have it.  
    Taylor is peculiarly hot.  And yes, has like 50 kids.  All of them have multiple spawn.  They themselves are from a family of like 8 kids….pentacostal….

    Also, I just got into the nail effects…they are AMAZING.  I'm turning 26 this month….

  • dengstah

    I'm about to turn 24, so I'm not in as dire a situation as you are. But I refuse to stop wearing Silly Bandz or Nail Effects … EVER. I mean come on! The Silly Bandz that I have CHANGE COLORS IN THE SUN. How awesome. And flashy nails are acceptable at any age. I'm totally gonna be a cool grandma and rock zebra nails.

    Plus, word on the Nordstrom BP comment below. They have good stuff for cheap. F the tween haters, they just wish they didn't have to go running to their moms to ask for money to buy their rompers.

    • Kim Windyka

      i like the way you think. and BP also has some badass jewelry, too. totally the most mature of the juniors departments.

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    Ha, Taylor Hanson, I may or may not have had a folded poster of him under my pillow for kissing g'night purposes… Wow he has all that big family now. I'm totally having that moment Carrie Fisher talks about in When Harry Met Sally – someone else is married to my husband!

  • valentine_kitchenson

    6. “That's what she said” references.

    • Kim Windyka

      NEVER!

  • Jessie

    I'm 25 and this is dead on. Except I watch iCarly instead of Drake and Josh.

    • Guest

      omfg icarly, don't even get me started.

      • Kim Windyka

        i've STILL never seen icarly because i'm scared i'll become obsessed, but it's been recommended to me several times….

  • Heather

    Whoa I thought I was the only Fanson left who still wanted to hit that.  The comment section and this entry makes me happy and jealous at the same time. <3

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    So I finally have a microwave again and at age 26 I am more in love with the day-glo convenient wonderfood that is Easy Mac than I have ever been in my entire life.

    Do you ever chop up hot dogs and put it in there to cook halfway thru so that it gets all hotdog greasy? No, yea um me neither.

  • Tom Violence

    “Side-banged”?

    • Kim Windyka

      as in, possessing side bangs. get your mind out of the gutter!

  • Manicures

    The nail effects are okay until you're 30. They're creative and clean. Much better than tacky acrylic nails IMO.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    this is sad.. then agiain i am going on 36 and refuse to wear leather fucking shoes. 
    die yuppies!

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