I wrote you a letter shortly after you left.
A letter filled with words describing the way I felt about you. Words that my mouth could never muster the courage to say out loud. To put it simply, I loved you and I wanted you to love me back. I didn’t intend to send it. I just had to get the words out of my head. I figured that once the words left my body, the emotions would soon follow. Well, I was wrong.
A few months later: I still wanted to talk to you. I still wanted to see you. I still wanted to touch you. I still couldn’t move on. I still thought of you every day. And the thing that hurt the most was knowing that you weren’t thinking of me. That’s the real tragedy of a breakup. There’s always the one who leaves and the one who mourns that loss.
So, when the letter didn’t work to rid me of all I felt for you I decided to take a more drastic approach. I inked my skin with the words from a song by a band you’ve never heard of. “Live through this and you won’t look back,” it read. I didn’t believe it at the time, but I wanted so badly to believe that I gave myself a permanent reminder that it could happen…that it WOULD happen. That the day would come when I wasn’t a mess over you. The day would come when I didn’t need you. The day would come when I didn’t love you.
So, I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. And I pushed away the affections of a girl who might’ve meant something to me if my head and my heart weren’t so wrapped up in you.
A few years later: I woke up one day and it’s as if something had changed while I slept. Like a switch had been flicked inside of me. I didn’t feel the need to talk to you. I didn’t feel the need to see you. I didn’t feel the need to touch you. I didn’t feel the need love you anymore. I was free of you. Freedom – what a wonderful feeling that is.
Don’t misunderstand me…I will always think of you. I will always think of the time we had together. And I will always remember that time fondly. You will always occupy a space in my heart. But I’m okay without you now.
You taught me that love, as special as it may be, isn’t once in a lifetime. Instead, love can be a few times in a lifetime. Love can come and love can go. And that’s okay. Another love will come along. A better love will come along.
I still believe I was meant to meet you. I still believe I was meant to love you. I just know now that I was never meant to keep you.
You were my lesson, not my forever.