Jolt awake, terrified that it’s a workday and you have overslept.
Snatch your phone off your nightstand, remember it’s Sunday, thank whatever higher being you believe in.
Decide to go back to sleep. Wait for a few seconds first to figure out if you’re hungover. Decide that this hangover is ‘doable’ but that another hour or (if you’re me) three of sleep will only help your situation.
Open your eyes again, this time remembering that it is Sunday. Announce to yourself that, since it’s still so early in the day, it’s not really Sunday Sunday yet. It’s still the lighthearted, carefree part.
Scroll through Instagram to see if there are any early posters yet. Once you get through those, catch up with the rest of the Saturday ones that you missed.
Close Instagram. Then instantly reopen it again because you don’t want to do anything.
Migrate from your bed to the couch, as sloth-like as possible.
Open your phone and scroll through Facebook.
Decide that you need to stop playing on your phone and do something. Turn on the tv and put on an episode from your favorite show that you’ve already seen six times. Spend the next fourteen minutes deciding what you’re going to have for breakfast.
Eat a banana because it’s the only food you have.
Finish eating banana.
Text your friends to see what they’re doing. Agree to meet up in two hours and decide that that is SO MUCH TIME.
Spend the next hour and thirty minutes being absolutely worthless.
Realize that you are supposed to be showered and put-together and in a public place within the next 26 minutes.
Race around the apartment like a mad person, take a nine-minute shower that should have been a four-minute shower. Text your friends that you are “five minutes away!” while you’re brushing your teeth.
Show up eight minutes late to brunch/lunch/drinking/movie/park/gym/whatever and apologize and say it’s because of
your terrible time management skills traffic.
Spend the next four hours with your friends saying ‘how is it already Sunday’ and talking about how you have to get a head start on work when you get home.
Get home. Sit on the couch with a snack even though you just ate. Open your laptop to get a head start on work.
Pull up your email to get a head start on work.
Ignore your email and open Netflix in another tab because your email is annoying.
Realize you accidentally watched three episodes of a show in a row unintentionally.
Watch another one.
Text one of your weird friends because they’ll distract you for a few minutes with how bizarre of a person they are.
Decide that at 9:15 you’re going to get up and brush your teeth and start preparing for bed.
Walk to the bathroom to brush your teeth but then accidentally walk to the fridge instead to get a snack and then accidentally walk back to your room to put on another episode of your show.
One more episode.
Three more minutes of scrolling Instagram.
Acknowledge you’re the worst and finally get up to brush your teeth.
Get in bed. Scroll on phone some more.
Calculate how much sleep you can still get if you fall asleep in 8 MINUTES FROM NOW.
Calculate how much sleep you can still get if you fall asleep in 8 MINUTES FROM NOW. Repeat indefinitely.