1. Cutting so many tiny bites of cake, bit by bit, that you accidentally eat the whole thing in one sitting.
2. Saying “you too!” when the movie theater employee tells you to enjoy the show.
3. Realizing that the only productive thing you’ve done all day is move from your bed to the couch to continue watching Stranger Things.
4. Drinking one glass of water and feeling like you are honestly the healthiest person in the world.
5. Only taking someone up on their invitation to hang out when you hear that alcohol is involved, and then having to pretend like that’s not the only reason you agreed to go to their cousin’s boyfriend’s one-man show.
6. Going on Wikipedia ‘real quick’ to read Oprah’s biography, and then looking up only to realize that two hours have gone by and you’re now on the page about the Olsen twins.
7. Watching the Domino’s Pizza Tracker from start to finish and wondering if the person who did the ‘quality check’ on your pizza is really named Pete or if Domino’s is lying to you.
8. And then greeting the delivery guy in your pajamas at two in the afternoon and exchanging a look that says, “We both know I’m pathetic.”
9. Leaving your phone in the other room when you take a shower, and actually feeling proud of yourself for being able to do it.
10. Immediately canceling the Uber you just ordered because the driver is six minutes away and that’s just too long of a wait.
11. Watching an entire movie and having no idea if you liked it or not because you were on Instagram the whole time.
12. Frequenting your favorite takeout spot so often that they either know your name, or your order, or both.
13. Feeling exhausted from taking a shower – even (and especially) if it’s the only thing you’ve done all day.
14. Comparing yourself to Olivia Pope as an excuse to eat only popcorn and drink red wine.
15. Being so worthless over the weekend that when your coworker asks, “Good weekend?” you literally have nothing to say.
16. Mishearing what a person says to you and having to ask “What?” so many times that eventually you just shrug and awkwardly smile and pretend you understood what they said.
17. And then realizing that they were actually asking you a specific question and now you have to re-confess that you don’t know what they said.
18. Realizing that you’ve wasted ten minutes of your life reading a ridiculous Facebook-political-comments-war between two people who don’t even know what they’re talking about.
19. But still reading from start to finish, because you have to find out how far they took it.