There’s a lot of things you have to let go of when you end a relationship with someone – the sound of their laugh, their eyes, the way they pronounce certain words, their familiar scent, the way their hand feels when it’s wrapped around yours.
But you also have to let go of the idea of them. The idea of having someone out there who’s thinking about you, worrying about you, loving you all the time. The idea that you’re one half of a whole. The idea that you’re not alone. The idea of having somebody in the picture with you when you imagine your future. The idea that you simply have someone.
Sometimes, letting go of the idea of them is the hardest part of all.
Maybe what you really miss is having someone to kiss you goodnight and wish you good morning. Someone who will text you in the middle of the day just to say “hi.” Someone who is capable of instantly making you feel less lonely and isolated merely because they asked how you were doing.
Maybe you don’t miss them at all. Maybe there was nothing special about the way they did any of this stuff. Maybe you never thought twice about their good morning kisses and maybe you felt nothing when you received a “hi” text from them in the middle of the work day. Maybe you just got used to it, and maybe what you grew to love, more so than them, was the routine – the experience of having someone, and not having to worry about being single, and not having to wonder if you were going to die in your apartment alone because you choked on your dinner and there was no one there to give you the Heimlich maneuver. Maybe all they really were was the person who would give you the Heimlich maneuver.
Maybe – because you’re human and all humans crave connection and belonging – you just (understandably) miss having someone, regardless of whether or not you were in love with them.
Maybe in these moments when you’re reuniting with the crushing weight of your own, solitary company, what you’re really missing is simply having another person in the room with you. A living, breathing body who helped slightly with keeping the dreaded feelings of isolation at bay.
Maybe they were a way for you to avoid yourself, to avoid your own thoughts and fears and dreams, because it was “more important” to focus on the two of you.
Maybe they were just your someone, and at this point, your heart is broken because it misses a relationship, not them. Maybe your heart has already let them go, maybe it even let them go a long time ago. And what you really need to do, in order to heal yourself, is just to learn how to love your own company again.