1. The first time you realize you’re no longer in the “18-24” age category is a strange and confusing moment filled with weeping, regret, and stoically staring off into the abyss.
2. Tweens are simultaneously stupid and terrifying.
3. The greatest high you get is when you open your fridge and remember that you’ve already done your grocery shopping for the week.
4. Comcast support operators are just human enough for you to think you’re talking to real people, but you still can’t be a hundred percent sure.
5. Turning twenty-five feels a lot older than turning twenty-four.
6. You never thought it would come to this, but you now find yourself having to google terms that the kids are using these days.
7. You use the phrase ‘what the kids are doing these days’ non-ironically.
8. The only person who will ever make sure you go to the dentist from now on is you.
9. When your coworker asks what you did over the weekend, you keep your answer vague, because the truth usually involves vacuuming, cleaning your bathroom, and falling asleep on the couch at 9 o’clock at night.
10. If your weekend did involve drinking, however, you’re probably still hungover. Because this is real adulthood, and hangovers can last for up to 48 hours. WELCOME TO HELL.
11. When college kids talk about how they’re adults now, the best thing you can do is give them a bored and disinterested smile.
12. Facebook engagement announcements increase by 72% on holidays. Scientific fact.
13. You always side with ‘the parent’ anytime you find yourself watching a tv show with a primarily tween audience.
14. You understand the difference between a comforter and a duvet.
15. And you understand the torture that is washing them and then having to put everything back together. You spend at least five of these minutes laying dejectedly face-first into your bed asking why you did this to yourself.
16. The law of the universe states that when you finally have a small but adequate cushion of money saved up in your bank account, you will receive a large medical or car-related bill that requires all of it.
17. You spent a significant majority of March Madness thinking, “I am at least five years older than every single one of these guys.”
18. Sunday night anxiety is very, very real.
19. “So what do you do?” is basically code for “We’re about to have a small-talky conversation that neither of us are actually going to pay attention to.”
20. The best concerts are the ones where you can sit down.
21. Getting carded is exciting.
22. Conversations with friends include comparing electric bills, discussing the merits of taking melatonin before bed, and which alcohols are best to avoid if you have heartburn.
23. Everything is great but also the worst.