25 Megan Amram Tweets That Will Make Your Crappy Day So Much Better (And Funnier)
By Kim Quindlen
1.
my least favorite movie trope is "people in hospitals waking up and immediately ripping their IVs out" and i will fight it to my dying day
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2016
2.
Americans love zombies because the mere idea of them justifies keeping loaded guns in your house
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2016
3.
🎶That fish is / poisson🎶
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2016
4.
I always forget the name "Josh" is short for "Banjo shop"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 20, 2016
5.
Musicals are the only legitimate art form, sorry "painting"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 15, 2016
6.
Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 12, 2016
7.
I'm gonna go binge watch some words (read)
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 5, 2016
8.
Do you guys know of a nasal spray that eases nasal congestion? Asking for Afrin™
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 31, 2016
9.
The fact I'm not a dog is so fucked up
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 8, 2016
10.
Counting calories is so great because it's two fun things in one: self-loathing and math!!!
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 28, 2016
11.
Parenting tip: sneak vegetables into your kids' vapes
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 25, 2016
12.
Autofilling my search is the Google version of mansplaining
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 25, 2016
13.
My thigh gap is a D-cup
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 30, 2016
14.
Porn "Ratatouille": a rat lives in my mouth and gives u a great blowjob
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 19, 2016
15.
I always forget that the name "Nancy" is short for "Pregnancy"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 17, 2016
16.
If you think setting your clock back 1 hour is a hassle, think of how much it will suck when Trump wins & you have to set it back 100 years
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 13, 2016
17.
I have a wage gap between my thighs
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 22, 2016
18.
Women shouldn't work outside the home. It's STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 8, 2016
19.
I call table tennis "tennis" and tennis "big tennis"
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 7, 2016
20.
I'm only four awards away from an EGOT
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 29, 2016
21.
Spotlight isn't even that funny
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 29, 2016
22.
I imagine Enya concerts are just full audiences of people getting massages
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 28, 2016
23.
My right boob is named "Full House" and my left boob is named "Fuller House" :/
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 22, 2016
24.
If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he'd be 207 years old, 34 feet tall, and SUPER gay
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 13, 2016
25.
Idea: "Celebrity Price Is Right" where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 4, 2016