How many Bama fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but then you have to listen to all the rest of them talk about how great the dead light bulb was.
A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, “You will find no fish there.”
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, “You will find no fish under the ice.”
The drunk looks up and says, “God, is that you?”
The voice says, “No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.”
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Arizona State Sun Devils fan and he was an Arizona Wildcats fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Sun Devils fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Sun Devils fan.”
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?”
The man sat up, looked around, and said “GO TROJANS!”
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout what?”
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
“In Colorado yesterday, voters approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. In other words – kids, don’t do drugs, but stay in the schools funded by them.”
You know you’re from Connecticut when your family owns more cars than legal drivers, you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis, and swimming lessons as a child, and you have at least four friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.
Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?
A: I don’t know, Alaska.
[2012 Presidential Election Day] “Good luck today Florida! Try not to pull a ‘Florida.'”
I keep setting my DVR player to record ‘The Biggest Loser’ but it keeps recording all of the Georgia Bulldog games instead.
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced “HaVaii” or “HaWaii.” They ask a passerby, who answers “Havaii.”
“Thank you,” says the satisfied first man.
“You’re velcome,” replies the passerby.
“A surveillance camera at an Idaho high school appears to have caught evidence of a ghost. Later, officials examined the milky white image and concluded it was just another resident of Idaho.”
Come to Chicago for the food. Stay because you got murdered.
Indiana girls: the kind who you can take home to meet your mom but who can also outdrink your dad.
An Iowa fan, an Iowa State fan, and an UNI fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The UNI fan insists that he is the most loyal. ”This is for UNI!” he yells, and jumps off the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Iowa fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, “This is for the Hawkeyes!” and pushes the Iowa State fan off the mountain.
Q: Whats the difference between Kansas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Kentucky-Ohio border.
You know you’re from Louisiana when the four seasons in your year are crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake, your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled, and when giving directions you use words like uptown, downtown, backatown, riverside, lakeside, other side of the bayou, or other side of the levee.
Sometime in the early 1900’s, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase “There’s a sucker born every minute” offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe or sucker him.
Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he’d gladly put it on display.
Well, a few days later a crate marked “live animal” arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black house cat inside, along with a note which read: “Maine cherries are black.”
Maryland: if you can dream it, we can tax it.
Q: What goes hundreds of miles and never moves?
A: The Massachusetts Turnpike
Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?
A: A whine cellar.
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing Minnesotan family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July!”
Three guys from Mississippi were kidnapped by a terrorist, who said he would try and give them one last wish before he killed them.
The first guy, a Mississippi State grad, said he’d “love to hear his MSU cowbell ringing just one more time.”
The second guy, an Ole Miss grad, said he’d love to hear “Hotty Toddy” just one more time before he died.
The third guy, a Southern grad, stood up and yelled “KILL ME FIRST!”
The four seasons of Missouri: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Construction.
Frost bite? You mean ICE TAN!
Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first, Sven, was asked if he has any last words. He says, “I yust graduated from Saint Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven’s forgiveness, and release him.
The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, “I yust graduated from the Gustavus Adolphus in St. Peter and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.
The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, “Vell, I’ve just graduated with a degree from Nebraska University in Lincoln, NE in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.
You know you’re from Nevada when you notice your car overheating before you drive it, you need to walk through a casino to see a movie, and you put on every sweater you own when the temperature drops to below seventy degrees.
29. New Hampshire
A New Hampshire man walks into a library. That’s the whole joke.
30. New Jersey
“New Jersey is banning smiling in driver’s license photos. So now, instead of telling the driver to, ‘Say cheese,’ the DMV photographer will just say, ‘You live in New Jersey.'”
31. New Mexico
You know you’re from New Mexico when you believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations, you can order your Big Mac with green chile, and you believe using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.
32. New York
“In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, ‘Man, what’s a good building?’ He said, ‘A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.’”
33. North Carolina
One inch of snow? Sorry folks, North Carolina is closed.
34. North Dakota
You know you’re from North Dakota when You only own 3 spices (salt, pepper, and ketchup), you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, and you know several people who have hit a buffalo.
Welcome to Ohio, where the weather forecasts are made up and the fact that it was sunny fifteen minutes ago doesn’t matter.
“Yesterday, Oklahoma elected their first openly gay State Senator. Unfortunately, know one knows how to break it to the senator that he’s in the state of Oklahoma, not the musical.”
“I can’t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here in Portland an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
“After a judge’s ruling, gay marriage is now legal in Pennsylvania. So today, a lot of Amish men were raising something other than a barn.”
39. Rhode Island
Welcome to Rhode Island, where size doesn’t matter.
40. South Carolina
“In South Carolina, the winner of the $400 million dollar Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I’m guessing it’s that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.”
41. South Dakota
One dark night outside a small town in northern South Dakota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.
To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides..
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Oleson, the 80-year-old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”
Q: Why do the Tennessee Volunteers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Texas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.
“President Obama’s been traveling a lot recently. In fact, I saw that he just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you’d expect – telling people, ‘Uh…no, I don’t play for the Jazz.'”
“A new study says Vermont could benefit financially by legalizing marijuana. Legal marijuana could lead to a lucrative new Vermont business known as the “Bed & Breakfast & More Breakfast, and Then More Bed.”
Oh, you’re from Washington, D.C.? Tell me which Northern Virginia suburb you’re really from.
“As of today, Washington State has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. So today, men all over Washington have two different reasons to say ‘I love you man.'”
48. West Virginia
“A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver’s license.
She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, ‘If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!’ A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.”
“On Saturday, after losing to Wisconsin, Kentucky fans went into the streets and started burning things. Meanwhile, Wisconsin fans went out and started frying things and covering them in cheese.”
You know you live in Wyoming when your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you measure distance in hours, and you can drive 65 miles per hour through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.