23 Reasons Why Women Aren’t Smiling, Even Though You Keep Telling Us To

Chill, meninists. It’s just a joke. Kind of.
Inside Amy Schumer
Inside Amy Schumer

1. Because being on birth control is the worst.

2. Because not being on birth control is the worst.

3. Because they give us less meat at Chipotle.

4. Because tampons cost too much money.

5. Because half the tampons we buy escape out of their zippered pockets and migrate to the tampon graveyard of torn wrapping at the bottom of our twelve different bags.

6. Because we’re always the ones to say “sorry” when dudes run into us on the sidewalk.

7. Because of all the times we’ve run down the stairs without wearing a bra.

8. Because we’re being guilted into attending our coworker’s Mary Kay party.

9. Because the Mary Kay representative will passive-aggressively tell us we should probably buy everything in order to fix our face.

9. Because Spanx are uncomfortable.

10. Because sometimes your stories are boring and we have a lot of shit to do.

11. Because our uterus is destroying us today and 4-5 other days out of the month.

12. Because walking alone in the dark is terrifying and right now it’s dark pretty much ALL THE TIME.

13. Because we’ve already seen too many penises on public transportation.

14. Because pepper spray is illegal in certain areas, meaning we’re S.O.L.

15. Because 40+ hours a week for 77 cents is dumb.

16. Because “No Panty Lines” underwear is a LIE, damnit.

17. Because we’re still not over Denny Duquette’s death from back when we still watched Grey’s Anatomy. 

18. Because Resting Bitch Face is a serious condition that affects 26.7% of American women.

19. Because putting on lip gloss and going outside on a windy day is a death sentence to our hair.

20. Because of fuckboys.

21. Because we’re confused about our newfound sexual feelings towards Justin Bieber.

22. Because period poops.

23. Because this bye.

Vanity Fair
Vanity Fair


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  • http://theenglishmajor.wordpress.com msmalarkey

    Add: Because we’re not able to sell things on Craigslist without first wondering if we’ll be hacked up into tiny pieces and THEN ripped off on that sale.

  • http://voluptuouscara.wordpress.com Cara

    Well yeah, I live in Brooklyn, NY, which means that YES, goddamn it, I HAVE seen way too many penises on the NYC subways, although I’m laughing at all the stupid boys who think taking their dick out on the F train is a legitimate form of flirting. It’s not, you are not sexy when you whip it out as we approach the 9th street station, and no, I don’t wanna date you because you pulled your meat out and waved it around for a whole subway car full of people to see, I’m actually sorry for your mother (or your grandma, your auntie, or whoever raised you and attempted to teach you manners) but mostly I’m laughing at you, boy, because you think you’re making a great impression when really you’re making the case for why I should convert to lesbianism.

  • http://shannondoahh.wordpress.com Shannondoah

    Because of this bye. LMAO!

  • http://voluptuouscara.wordpress.com Cara

    About the fact that they give us less meat at Chipotle….Chipotle isn’t the only game in town (well, Chipotle isn’t hte only game in my town), but seriously, why does Chipotle think women require less protein than men???? You know what, fuck Chipotle, no one eat at Chipotle, let’s see how they like being boycotted.

  • hannaihiliated

    Because men at the cashier line call me “sweetheart” but I never hear them call my guy coworkers “gentlemen.” Because they call them “son” and me “sweetheart”.

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