19 Things Only People Who Are Horrible At Cooking Understand

30 Rock
30 Rock

1. The act of simply going to the grocery store just exhausts you.

2. And when you go, there’s no order to the way that you shop. No grocery list, no ideas in mind of what you want to cook that week. You just walk around aimlessly, like a lost child, until your basket is full. And then you leave.

3. For your first few years of adulthood, your idea of cooking meant microwaving a Lean Cuisine, or putting a store-bought pizza in the oven.

4. In the past, you have had to Google even the simplest of recipes, like how to cook eggs.

5. It completely baffles you when people ‘improvise’ in the kitchen. A dash of salt? A pinch of cumin? WTF does that even mean? How do they just know how much water or oil to use?

6. If you’ve ever had to cook for any reason, you’ve followed the recipe down to the last punctuation mark. There’s no estimating “1 cup of water” for you. You used every measuring utensil you could get your hands on.

7. Anytime you go to someone’s house for dinner, you always feel obligated to ask, “Can I help with anything?” And then you just pray and pray that the host says thanks but no thanks.

8. Most of the time, if the host knows you well enough, the closest thing they’ll ask you for help with is pouring the wine. Because you’re great at that.

9. And they unintentionally talk to you the way your mom used to talk to you as a kid when you ‘helped’ her bake a cake. “I’m all set with the pasta, but you know what would be soooo helpful? Could you refill everyone’s wine? Thanks! Awesome job!”

10. You can’t count how many times you’ve promised yourself that tonight, you’re going to cook. And then you ordered a pizza instead because the pressure was just too much to handle.

11. When you hear the word ‘potluck’ you just run in the opposite direction.

12. And by ‘opposite direction’ I mean you run to the bakery section of the closest grocery store and offer to “bring the dessert.”

13. Approximately 765 people have joked with you that even though you’re bad at cooking, you’re great at pouring cereal! LOL!

14. You don’t understand the concept of taking a cooking class for fun. You’d rather take a course on how to properly file your taxes.

15. Takeout is not just a dinner option for you. It’s a way of life.

16. You’re at the stage where you should probably buy a Christmas present for the delivery guy from your favorite restaurant.

17. You spend way more time on GrubHub than you do on Tinder.

18. When someone tells you that they’re just gonna see what they have in their fridge and then ‘throw something together’ for dinner, you’re in complete shock. If you tried to ‘throw something together’ someone would be accidentally poisoned.

19. The stars of the Food Network seem more like magicians to you than just regular people who have a talent for cooking. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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