1. Your friends love teasing you for sleeping in as late as possible, as they have already emptied out their inbox, gotten some work done, cleaned their room, and done some light reading before you even woke up. But the reason you slept so late is because you already did all that stuff… at 3 a.m. last night.
2. But even though you seem to be more productive at night, you’ve read/watched/researched a thousand different articles and videos that claim there’s a solution for your inability to fall asleep at a normal time. You’re tired of feeling embarrassed about your strange body clock. But the problem is that none of your research has worked.
3. You’ve tried following tips like Turn off screens an hour before bed. Instead, try reading a book. But that has never helped you. Because instead of having an easier time falling asleep, you just end up staying up an extra couple hours because you can’t put the book down and you feel a strange urge to read as much of it as possible.
4. You wake up every morning thinking ‘Tonight is the night I’m going to reset my body clock. I’m so exhausted right now, I can totally fall asleep by 9 p.m. and then I’ll feel great tomorrow and then I’ll be NORMAL.’
5. And then you make it to 9 p.m. and suddenly you remember all this stuff that you have to do and your mind is racing and you end up answering emails and watching Netflix and cleaning your room until 1 in the morning, just like last night.
6. You’re well aware that you look like a crazy person when people are receiving emails from you at 1:39 a.m. But you’re sure as hell not going to be functioning enough to answer them at 9:21 in the morning, so what other choice do you have?
7. People love the phrase “Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my coffee.” But not you. For you, it’s more like: “Don’t talk to me for the first that 5 hours I’m awake. Literally. Do not speak to me until it is the afternoon.”
8. And then as soon as you’ve made it through the dreaded early-morning hours, you’re the friendliest, most productive, most high-energy person in the world. It’s a never-ending cycle with no sign of stopping.
9. Pretty much the only time you’ve ever woken up early (by choice) is when jet lag was involved. And even then, your body clock was still off from everybody else’s.
10. Whenever you have to get up earlier than usual for something, people are literally concerned for your well being. You get questions like “Are you gonna be okay?” or “Do you need someone to make sure you get up?” And they’re not even being sarcastic.
11. You have to remind people that you’re physically capable of getting up early if you absolutely have to. You just try to avoid it at all costs if possible because it’s the worst.
12. The way you get work done now is no different from the way you wrote papers in college. Procrastinate, procrastinate, eat, procrastinate some more, wait until it’s 11 o’clock, begin working.
13. And even though it’s not a healthy way of living and you want to change it, those papers always get written, and that work always gets done.
14. You’re really looking forward to when you finally live alone, so that you don’t have to worry about bothering your roommates if you feel the urge to wash dishes or do laundry or clean the bathroom at midnight on a Tuesday.
15. One of your greatest questions in life is: if people think it’s okay to call you before 8 in the morning, why is it not okay for you to call them after 8 at night?
16. Your mental process for falling asleep happens like this: Don’t think. Just relax. Breathe. Don’t think about anything. Try to sleep. Whoops I forgot to pay a couple online bills and I was supposed to fill out my RSVP for that wedding tonight and I need to pack my lunch for tomorrow. I should get back up and take care of that stuff and I’ll just go to bed early tomorrow night to make up for it.
17. People send you countless articles about the benefits of waking up early. And you’re not doubting them or fighting them. You just know there is no chance it will ever apply to you.
18. You’re probably reading this at 1 a.m. while you’re organizing your calendar and waiting for your clothes to get out of the dryer. You’ll be exhausted at work in the morning, but hey, at least you’ll be wearing a clean shirt and your planner will be up-to-date.