23 Hilarious ‘Stephen Colbert’ Quotes That Are Just Ridiculous Enough To Prove A Point

He’s making a big splash as the new star of The Late Show. But no one can forget the hilarious things that have been said by his alter ego. Let’s all now take a moment to mourn the fact that people like this actually exist in real life.
The Colbert Report
The Colbert Report

1. I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

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2. Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.

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3. Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

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4. Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

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5. I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

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6. [Speaking to Neil Patrick Harris] But you are also the biggest threat of all …You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It’s almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.

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7. Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

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8. It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

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9. I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the political action committee to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.

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10. Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!

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11. Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!

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12. So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

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13. If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke.

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14. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me ‘sir’

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15. I can’t prove it, but I can say it.

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16. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

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17. I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

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18. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

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19. If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.

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20. Foreign newspapers: if they’ve got nothing to hide, how come they don’t print them in English?

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21. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I’ve ever written, and I hope it’s the first book you’ve ever read. Don’t make a habit of it.

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22. All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

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23. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell. TC mark

Kim Quindlen

I'm a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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