1. Whenever you look at amazing Instagram pictures posted by world travelers, you end up LOLing when you think about how awful your “wanderlust” account would be.
2. You’ve barely even begun exploring the town or city you currently live in. In fact, you’ve passed multiple bars, restaurants, and stores right around you and said, “Huh, when did that get there?” To which one of your friends always responds, “It’s been there for twenty years.”
3. But you’ll get around to learning and discovering everything about your city, eventually. It’s just going to take a little time, because you’re exhausted by a simple trip to Walgreens to buy toilet paper.
4. When it comes to hunting down cool, unique little shops and restaurants, your method is to google “food” or “clothing stores” and pick the first thing that comes up.
5. At the end of a long day of exploring a new place, you’re tired. And hungry. You’re grateful for this amazing trip that you’re on, but you have no desire to spend 45 minutes hunting down a unique corner bistro where you can have dinner.
6. …This is another way of saying that when you go to New York City, you’re the person who’s like, “Hey, let’s eat at the Cheesecake Factory!”
7. Flying is simply not your thing. Turbulence is not a harmless, unsteady movement of air pockets. It’s a sign that YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ON THIS PLANE.
8. You need Xanax or alcohol to survive a one-hour flight from one Midwestern city to another. You can’t imagine spending ten hours on a plane going overseas and not having a mental breakdown.
9. Sure, it’s cool to imagine yourself sitting alone at a bar in an airport, wearing quirky glasses and reading Hemingway.
10. But your airport experience either involves buying candy at one of the newsstands and eating it on the floor until your flight boards, or standing in line at McDonald’s and ordering a McFlurry as your “reward” for traveling.
11. Sometimes you list traveling as one of your hobbies because that’s what everyone does, and you don’t feel like actually answering the question. And then when someone asks you where you’ve traveled recently, you have to talk about going to your cousin’s wedding in Minnesota.
12. Most of the time, your issue isn’t so much with traveling itself, but with the word wanderlust. It just sounds uncomfortable.
13. The idea of traveling with your significant other is certainly romantic, and the idea of traveling with your best friends sounds like it would be unbelievably fun. But you also have thoughts like But what if they start annoying me?! I’ll have nowhere to take a break from ANYONE.
14. You envy people who have such a brilliant, systematic way of packing. Your version of packing is to imagine every possible scenario you could ever be in – What if the forecast ends up being completely opposite of what I expected? What if I get invited to a black tie wedding and I don’t have a gown? What if there’s a last-minute rave and I need a neon bathing suit? And then you end up packing outfits and supplies for every single unlikely possibility you could ever encounter.
15. Some people’s Sunday Instagram photos are of them going cliff diving or hiking up a huge mountain. Yours are of you drinking a beer on the patio of a bar that’s 10 feet from your house. And to that you say – to each his own.
16. The only time you ever go to the landmarks in your own city are when people like your mom come to visit and they want to fit in some solid tourist time.
17. You have no efficient method of handling yourself when you settle back into your place after a trip. Instead you just zip open your suitcase and take the clothes out piece by piece over a 10-12 day period until everything is out. And then 4 days later you put the suitcase back in the closet.
18. To you, “couch surfing” sounds like something fun that would happen in the beginning of a horror movie, right before everything turns horrible and everybody dies.
19. Sure, backpacking through Europe sounds fun. But what sound even more fun is having all your stuff with you at home, not in a backpack.
20. Some people have maps in their rooms or offices with push pins marking all the places they’ve traveled and all the places they want to go. You think it’s awesome, but you’re fine with the fact that maybe your map will never look like that. Because you just ran out of toilet paper, so you’ve got a big Walgreens trip ahead of you.