18 Bullshit Things You Say To Other People Versus What You’d Say To Your Best Friend
By Kim Quindlen
1.
To other people: We should totally grab dinner sometime!
To your best friend: Let’s get Chipotle and eat it on your couch and watch a movie and unbutton our jeans after we eat too much.
2.
To other people: I seriously need to go to the gym.
To your best friend: I have no intention of going to the gym today, but I need you to give me some reassurance right now because I’m having a fat day.
3.
To other people: The job is great. It’s kind of stressful, but definitely a great learning experience.
To your best friend: I absolutely hate my job and it makes me feel dead inside.
4.
To other people: *text* Hey! Can we reschedule brunch? I’m so busy today eek sorry!
To your best friend: *text* I’m laying hungover in my bed like a fat sultan and I think I’m gonna throw up so I can’t leave the house and I NEED you.
5.
To other people: I want to be with someone who I feel a genuine connection with.
To your best friend: Basically I’m just tired of dating awful, horrible people.
6.
To other people: I think art is a really important part of our world.
To your best friend: I spend most of my relaxation time watching reruns on HGTV.
7.
To other people: Being single has been great actually. It’s nice having some ‘me’ time.
To your best friend: I’m going to die alone and I HATE IT.
8.
To other people: Oh you’ve been doing CrossFit? Good for you.
To your best friend: You need to stop talking about this now.
9.
To other people: I really make an effort to eat healthy.
To your best friend: Kale is the worst and I want a cheeseburger right now.
10.
To other people: *text* How are you?! We haven’t talked in forever!
To your best friend: *text* Let me cut the crap and just straight up tell you I need something from you.
11.
To other people: My favorite books? Mostly the classics. Hemingway, Fitzgerald, etc.
To your best friend: Whenever I get a book out to read, it usually just sits on my lap while I look through funny Instagram accounts.
12.
To other people: I’m just having a long day.
To your best friend: I’m actually severely HANGRY and I’m about to lose it.
13.
To other people: I’m doing well, thanks.
To your best friend: I’m a big ball of anxiety let me tell you all about it because you’re the only one who makes me feel better.
14.
To other people: Her life is going well? I’m happy for her.
To your best friend: I’m a bad person, but drama is more interesting to talk about.
15.
To other people: I think I’m just gonna stay in tonight and get a bunch of stuff done.
To your best friend: Wine. Netflix. Fat pants.
16.
To other people: The Bachelor is such an awful show for humanity.
To your best friend: I can’t stop watching it tho.
17.
To other people: [Insert Name] is really nice. We just don’t see eye to eye on some things.
To your best friend: I hate that person and I’m gonna bitch about them to you because you won’t judge me or tell anyone that I’m shady.
18.
To other people: I’m a really chill person.
To your best friend: I like the idea of being chill but I have no chill and sometimes I’m a nutcase.