“The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All” Five Minute Recap

CHRIS HARRISON: Welcome, I’m Chris Harrison. Most controversial season in Bachelor history, drama, shocking twists, heartbreak, etc. I’m capable of saying a total of seven phrases.

SOAP OPERA MUSIC: *plays*

CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s get started with intros. Please welcome…. Ryan M!

AUDIENCE: Who?

CHRIS HARRISON: Cory!

AUDIENCE: What?

CHRIS HARRISON: Corey-With-An-E!

AUDIENCE: Just stop.

JOSHUA’S HAIR: *is normal again*

CLINT: Hi, I’m straight.

CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s begin with a trailer for Bachelor in Paradise!

BACHELOR IN PARADISE TRAILER: Ambulance, crying, boobs, ocean, Ashley’s still a virgin, Clare still doesn’t have a job, fake eyelashes, “I came here for love” proclamations, etc.

CHRIS HARRISON: Coming up next in an hour and 52 minutes, Kaitlyn will be here!

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s do a season recap!

SEASON RECAP: Everyone forgets Tanner’s a person. Clint says “Villains gotta vill.” Nick looks like a guilty, constipated raccoon. Joe sleep talks, or is possibly awake the whole time and just really boring. Ian says Kaitlyn talks about poop too much. He went to Princeton. FIN.

COREY-WITH-AN-E: *shares irrelevant and judgmental opinion of Kaitlyn*

BEN H: You were on the show for like a day.

AUDIENCE: LOL.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: *make shocked faces so they get solid camera time*

IAN: *takes off jacket and walks around like a professor at Princeton*

CHRIS HARRISON: WTF, dude.

IAN: *casually ignores him, proposes to all the men sitting on the tiny silver stools, apologizes to America*

AUDIENCE: Alright it’s fine. Moving on.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: It’s Clint time!

COREY-WITH-AN-E: Why were you so arrogant and pompous?

CLINT: I’m straight. I have a furry beard now. I’m sorry if my behavior rubbed people the wrong way or if I rubbed JJ the wrong way.

JJ: Friendship. Hot tub. Feelings.

KUPAH: Cool, good for your friendship. I wanna bitch about Nick now.

MEN: *are suddenly sweating profusely*

CUPCAKE: *defends Kaitlyn while wearing a Night at the Roxbury jacket*

KUPAH: I’m still mad but I’m pretty sure I was already gone when Nick came on.

CHRIS: Coming up, we’re gonna put these guys in the hot seat, but only because the seats they’re sitting in now are barely big enough to hold a small child.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s do a JJ recap.

-Begin Recap-

JJ: *hugs Clint*

CLINT: *hugs JJ*

CLINT: You didn’t go up there to fish.

JJ: I wish I knew how to quit you!

CLINT: *leaves*

JJ: *cries and does a booger check*

-End Recap-

CHRIS HARRISON: So… what was all that?

JJ: I lost momentum.

MEN: *start LOLing uncontrollably*

JARED: JJ’s an acquired taste.

JJ: Like a fine wine right?

JARED: Yes, like some Barefoot.

COREY-WITH-AN-E: *reminds us that he’s there by bitching some more*

AUDIENCE: Stop talking.

COREY-WITH-AN-E: *morphs into the evil guy from Red Eye starring Rachel McAdams*

CHRIS HARRISON: Anyway, JJ, you have some big news to announce right?

JJ: *pales instantly* I DON’T HAVE ANY SECRETS.

CHRIS HARRISON: I’m talking about how you’re going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

JJ: Yes, that.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Ben Z is a mountain of a man. Come on up here you lovable gigantic teddy bear.

BEN Z: *walks up*

CHRIS HARRISON: *giggles shyly* Let’s do a recap.

-Begin Recap-

RECAP: Kaitlyn calls up Josh Lucas Shawn to get the rose and Ben is left brokenhearted.

GLASS: *shatters in everyone’s hearts*

-End Recap-

CHRIS HARRISON: So, wtf? Why did you get kicked off? You’re so chiseled.

BEN Z: I’m too sweet to say anything too complicated.

CAMERA: *zooms in on one chic who is just seriously feeling it*

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: It’s Jared Time!

JARED: *looks like he should play a villain in a Lifetime movie but is actually a total gem*

-Begin Recap-

KAITLYN: *breaks up with Jared*

JARED: Do you want my jacket?

HEARTS: *explode*

KAITLYN: *sobs into Jared’s jacket while we all sob into our empty wine bottles*

JARED: *cries in the Limo of Death*

HEARTS: *explode for second time*

-End Recap-

CHRIS HARRISON: WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS.

JARED: It is what it is, bro.

FAKE CANDLE FLAMES: *flicker sadly*

JARED: Fuck The Cranberry’s.

CHRIS HARRISON: Your beard’s good now man.

JARED: LOL. Fuck you tho.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Please welcome Ben H!

AUDIENCE: *screams for an hour*

CHRIS HARRISON: Why the fuck did she dump you? Help us understand.

-Begin Recap-

KAITLYN: Ben H is sexy.

AUDIENCE: Mmhmm, girl.

BEN H: *changes in front of camera while shirtless*

EVERYONE: *develops diabetes*

MUSIC: *is basically “Clocks” by Coldplay but we’ll let this one slide*

BEN H: *wears the shit out of those sweater ensembles*

KAITLYN: I have to break up with you and I’m confused about it because it doesn’t make any sense.

-End Recap-

CHRIS HARRISON: How did that feel?

BEN H: Ugh.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you really feel unlovab –

BEN H: Yes Chris Harrison you jabroni.

CHRIS HARRISON: Well, thanks for stopping by.

EVERYONE: We know you’re the Bachelor.

COMMERCIAL SEGUE: Come audition for the Bachelor in Northfield, Ohio.

EVERYONE: Where the fuck is that.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Time for Kaitlyn everybody.

KAITLYN: Hi!

KAITLYN’S DRESS: Slay.

CHRIS HARRISON: So, let’s get right to it. Some people kind of hate you.

KAITLYN: Bitch, please. Stay away from my family. I get death threats.

CHRIS HARRISON: Sorry to hear that. Let’s help the situation by printing out these horrible comments and reading them to you in front of everyone.

AUDIENCE: WE STILL LOVE YOU.

KAITLYN: That was a mother who said that last comment to me. Not okay.

EVERYONE: Preach.

CHRIS HARRISON: Well I would take you over anyone as a model for my kids.

EVERYONE: Aw, Chris. Also, we forgot you had a family.

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: So, that was hard. Let’s make it worse and talk to all your exes.

BEN H: Hi, Kaitlynn. Why did you only tell Shawn about sleeping with Nick and not anyone else?

KAITLYN: *accidentally on purpose doesn’t answer the question*

CHRIS HARRISON: Girl.

KAITLYN: I don’t know. I’m sorry.

JONATHAN: Let’s bring up Nick again.

KAITLYN: Honey, you voted for Britt.

AUDIENCE: Bye.

MEN: *continue bitching about Nick*

KAITLYN: Try dating 25 guys at once. It’s hard. *drops mic*

*COMMERCIAL*

CHRIS HARRISON: Anything you want to say to the guys, Kaitlyn?

KAITLYN: *does 5-minute stand-up routine about JJ and Clint*

IAN: *kneels on ground, gets a charley horse* I’m sorry. I went to Princeton.

CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s watch your blooper reel.

BLOOPER REEL: *is just a bunch of pigeons*

KAITLYN’S LAUGH: *is confusingly precious*

PIGEON MAN: It’s me, Joe. Remember when I was an asshole when you dumped me?

HARRISON: That wasn’t funny. Here’s a preview for the season finolly. Harrison out.

*SCENE*