CHRIS HARRISON: Welcome, I’m Chris Harrison. Most controversial season in Bachelor history, drama, shocking twists, heartbreak, etc. I’m capable of saying a total of seven phrases.
SOAP OPERA MUSIC: *plays*
CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s get started with intros. Please welcome…. Ryan M!
CHRIS HARRISON: Cory!
CHRIS HARRISON: Corey-With-An-E!
AUDIENCE: Just stop.
JOSHUA’S HAIR: *is normal again*
CLINT: Hi, I’m straight.
CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s begin with a trailer for Bachelor in Paradise!
BACHELOR IN PARADISE TRAILER: Ambulance, crying, boobs, ocean, Ashley’s still a virgin, Clare still doesn’t have a job, fake eyelashes, “I came here for love” proclamations, etc.
CHRIS HARRISON: Coming up
next in an hour and 52 minutes, Kaitlyn will be here!
CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s do a season recap!
SEASON RECAP: Everyone forgets Tanner’s a person. Clint says “Villains gotta vill.” Nick looks like a guilty, constipated raccoon. Joe sleep talks, or is possibly awake the whole time and just really boring. Ian says Kaitlyn talks about poop too much. He went to Princeton. FIN.
COREY-WITH-AN-E: *shares irrelevant and judgmental opinion of Kaitlyn*
BEN H: You were on the show for like a day.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: *make shocked faces so they get solid camera time*
IAN: *takes off jacket and walks around like a professor at Princeton*
CHRIS HARRISON: WTF, dude.
IAN: *casually ignores him, proposes to all the men sitting on the tiny silver stools, apologizes to America*
AUDIENCE: Alright it’s fine. Moving on.
CHRIS HARRISON: It’s Clint time!
COREY-WITH-AN-E: Why were you so arrogant and pompous?
CLINT: I’m straight. I have a furry beard now. I’m sorry if my behavior rubbed people the wrong way or if I rubbed JJ the wrong way.
JJ: Friendship. Hot tub. Feelings.
KUPAH: Cool, good for your friendship. I wanna bitch about Nick now.
MEN: *are suddenly sweating profusely*
CUPCAKE: *defends Kaitlyn while wearing a Night at the Roxbury jacket*
KUPAH: I’m still mad but I’m pretty sure I was already gone when Nick came on.
CHRIS: Coming up, we’re gonna put these guys in the hot seat, but only because the seats they’re sitting in now are barely big enough to hold a small child.
CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s do a JJ recap.
JJ: *hugs Clint*
CLINT: *hugs JJ*
CLINT: You didn’t go up there to fish.
JJ: I wish I knew how to quit you!
JJ: *cries and does a booger check*
CHRIS HARRISON: So… what was all that?
JJ: I lost momentum.
MEN: *start LOLing uncontrollably*
JARED: JJ’s an acquired taste.
JJ: Like a fine wine right?
JARED: Yes, like some Barefoot.
COREY-WITH-AN-E: *reminds us that he’s there by bitching some more*
AUDIENCE: Stop talking.
COREY-WITH-AN-E: *morphs into the evil guy from Red Eye starring Rachel McAdams*
CHRIS HARRISON: Anyway, JJ, you have some big news to announce right?
JJ: *pales instantly* I DON’T HAVE ANY SECRETS.
CHRIS HARRISON: I’m talking about how you’re going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.
JJ: Yes, that.
CHRIS HARRISON: Ben Z is a mountain of a man. Come on up here you lovable gigantic teddy bear.
BEN Z: *walks up*
CHRIS HARRISON: *giggles shyly* Let’s do a recap.
RECAP: Kaitlyn calls up
Josh Lucas Shawn to get the rose and Ben is left brokenhearted.
GLASS: *shatters in everyone’s hearts*
CHRIS HARRISON: So, wtf? Why did you get kicked off? You’re so chiseled.
BEN Z: I’m too sweet to say anything too complicated.
CAMERA: *zooms in on one chic who is just seriously feeling it*
CHRIS HARRISON: It’s Jared Time!
JARED: *looks like he should play a villain in a Lifetime movie but is actually a total gem*
KAITLYN: *breaks up with Jared*
JARED: Do you want my jacket?
KAITLYN: *sobs into Jared’s jacket while we all sob into our empty wine bottles*
JARED: *cries in the Limo of Death*
HEARTS: *explode for second time*
CHRIS HARRISON: WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS.
JARED: It is what it is, bro.
FAKE CANDLE FLAMES: *flicker sadly*
JARED: Fuck The Cranberry’s.
CHRIS HARRISON: Your beard’s good now man.
JARED: LOL. Fuck you tho.
CHRIS HARRISON: Please welcome Ben H!
AUDIENCE: *screams for an hour*
CHRIS HARRISON: Why the fuck did she dump you? Help us understand.
KAITLYN: Ben H is sexy.
AUDIENCE: Mmhmm, girl.
BEN H: *changes in front of camera while shirtless*
EVERYONE: *develops diabetes*
MUSIC: *is basically “Clocks” by Coldplay but we’ll let this one slide*
BEN H: *wears the shit out of those sweater ensembles*
KAITLYN: I have to break up with you and I’m confused about it because it doesn’t make any sense.
CHRIS HARRISON: How did that feel?
BEN H: Ugh.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you really feel unlovab –
BEN H: Yes Chris Harrison you jabroni.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well, thanks for stopping by.
EVERYONE: We know you’re the Bachelor.
COMMERCIAL SEGUE: Come audition for the Bachelor in Northfield, Ohio.
EVERYONE: Where the fuck is that.
CHRIS HARRISON: Time for Kaitlyn everybody.
KAITLYN’S DRESS: Slay.
CHRIS HARRISON: So, let’s get right to it. Some people kind of hate you.
KAITLYN: Bitch, please. Stay away from my family. I get death threats.
CHRIS HARRISON: Sorry to hear that. Let’s help the situation by printing out these horrible comments and reading them to you in front of everyone.
AUDIENCE: WE STILL LOVE YOU.
KAITLYN: That was a mother who said that last comment to me. Not okay.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well I would take you over anyone as a model for my kids.
EVERYONE: Aw, Chris. Also, we forgot you had a family.
CHRIS HARRISON: So, that was hard. Let’s make it worse and talk to all your exes.
BEN H: Hi, Kaitlynn. Why did you only tell Shawn about sleeping with Nick and not anyone else?
KAITLYN: *accidentally on purpose doesn’t answer the question*
CHRIS HARRISON: Girl.
KAITLYN: I don’t know. I’m sorry.
JONATHAN: Let’s bring up Nick again.
KAITLYN: Honey, you voted for Britt.
MEN: *continue bitching about Nick*
KAITLYN: Try dating 25 guys at once. It’s hard. *drops mic*
CHRIS HARRISON: Anything you want to say to the guys, Kaitlyn?
KAITLYN: *does 5-minute stand-up routine about JJ and Clint*
IAN: *kneels on ground, gets a charley horse* I’m sorry. I went to Princeton.
CHRIS HARRISON: Let’s watch your blooper reel.
BLOOPER REEL: *is just a bunch of pigeons*
KAITLYN’S LAUGH: *is confusingly precious*
PIGEON MAN: It’s me, Joe. Remember when I was an asshole when you dumped me?
HARRISON: That wasn’t funny. Here’s a preview for the season finolly. Harrison out.