Tina: For those of you at home, I wish you could feel the excitement in this room.
Amy: You can smell the pills from here.
Amy: Only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television.
Tina: Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show-business.
Amy: We want to assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight because, as Ricky learned the hard way, when you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host the show two more times.
Amy: It was a great year for film, for women in film. Katherine Bigelow nominated tonight. I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent 3 years married to James Cameron.
Tina: Ben Affleck is here tonight, nominated for Argo. Ben’s first two movies took place in Boston, but he moved this one to Iran because he wanted to film somewhere that was friendlier to outsiders.
Tina: The beautiful Anne Hathaway is here tonight. Anne Hathaway, you gave a stunning performance in Les Misérables. I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars.
Amy: Meryl Streep is not here tonight, she has the flu. And I hear she’s amazing in it.
Amy: A very good evening to everyone here in the room and to all the women and gay men watching at home.
Tina: Meryl Streep is here. Meryl Streep – so brilliant in August: Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streep’s over 60.
Tina: Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle. Interesting trivia: the original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.
Tina: Amy Poehler is nominated for her role on Parks and Recreation.
Amy: I believe Amy is here tonight, can we get a shot of her?
Amy: Woody Allen is the recipient of this year’s Ceil B. DeMille award, just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it. I assume the award is for tiniest man with the biggest glasses.
Tina: Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.
Tina: One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her which takes place in the not-so-distant future… which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix.
Amy: A lot of nominated shows tonight are actually on Netflix this year. House of Cards, Orange Is the New Black. Enjoy it while it lasts, Netflix, because you’re not gonna be feeling so smug in a couple of years when Snapchat is up here accepting an award for best drama.
Tina: Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds. Or what actresses call: “being in a movie.”
Amy: The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight. I really loved the film but some of it was too graphic. I mean if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.
Amy: Masters of Sex… is the degree I got from Boston College.
Tina: The Blacklist… is who is invited to my room tonight. Talkin’ to you, Somali pirates. I am de captain now.
Tina: Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with.
Amy: That’s right. The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.
Tina: North Korea referred to the movie as “absolutely intolerable” and “a wanton act of terror.” Even more amazing: not the worst review the movie got.
Tina: Patria Arquette is here, so wonderful in the film Boyhood. Boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40, as long as you get hired when you’re under 40.
Tina: Steve Carell’s Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on, including his hair styling and makeup. Just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman.
Amy: Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.
Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an adviser to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.
Amy: Anyway, since this is the last time that we are hosting, Tina and I wanted to very quickly play one of our favorite games.
Tina: Yeah Amy and I have been friends for almost 50 years, and the secret of our long-lasting friendship is that we have absolutely no overlap in our taste in men.
Amy: No we never think the same man is attractive. And we’ll prove it right now by doing what you’re all doing at home: playing a game of Who Would You Rather.
Tina: Would You Rather: Colin Farrell or Colin Firth?
Amy: Farrell all day.
Tina: Firth, for a polite amount of time.
Tina: The movie Selma is about the America Civil Rights Movement that totally worked and now everything’s fine.
Tina: Gone Girl was a real big hit this year. Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called Girl, I Thought You Were Gone.
Amy: Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep. Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magic quest to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.