25 David Sedaris Quotes To Make You Laugh, Think, And Feel Enlightened – All At Once

David Sedaris, author of gems such as “Me Talk Pretty One Day” and “Let’s Explore Diabetes With Owls,” really doesn’t care what anybody thinks. He’s candid, he’s open, and he finds a way to speak the truth through some of the silliest and most hilarious sentences the world has ever seen. Here are 25 of his funniest and most absurdly honest quotes.
David Sedaris Facebook Page
David Sedaris Facebook Page

1. 

“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”

2.

“My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you’re likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.”

3. 

“As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.”

4. 

“States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don’t want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don’t want to marry a homosexual, then don’t. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor’s options? It’s like voting whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.”

5. 

“When shit brings you down, just say ‘fuck it’, and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.”

6.

“I haven’t the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.”

7.

“There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point.”

8.

“Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.”

9.

“Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.”

10.

“Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it’s startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are ‘We’re number two!”

11.

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”

12.

“If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.”

13.

“Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.”

14.

“It’s astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex – trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can’t imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it’s that cut-and-dried, though of course it’s not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he’s at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear off my arm with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion.”

15.

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings”

16.

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I’m afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”

17.

“When asked ‘What do we need to learn this for?’ any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.”

18.

“Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you’re in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can’t be thought of as cute.”

19.

“I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn’t like it, and changed.”

20.

“In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.”

21.

“It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.”

22.

“In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. Soap opera characters make emphatic pronouncements. They ball up their fists and state their goals out loud. ‘I will destroy Buchanan Enterprises,’ they say. ‘Phoebe Wallingford will pay for what she’s done to our family.’”

23.

“You can’t brace yourself for famine if you’ve never known hunger.”

24.

“Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.”

25.

“Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.”

Kim Quindlen

I'm a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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