1. On what religion to follow:
“I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.”

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2. The only kinds of fitness classes you should take:
“Anything that doesn’t have the word ‘strip,’ ‘salsa,’ or ‘beats’ with a ‘z’ in the name of it.”

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3. How you should handle PDA in the workplace:
“It’s only inappropriate when it’s ugly people.”

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4. The real definition of a nooner:
“And now I am heading home for a nooner – which is what I like to call having pancakes for lunch.”

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5. A kind reminder that you’re not the only one out there who doesn’t have it all together:
[To Tracy] “I’m actually jealous of you. You’ve got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.”

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6. The only time it’s acceptable to use the word “lovers”:
“That word bums me out unless it’s between the words meat and pizza.”

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7. The best type of New Year’s Resolution you can make:
“One of my New Year’s resolutions is to say ‘yes!’ Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!”

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8. When you need to put your past mistakes into perspective:
“Who hasn’t made mistakes? I once French kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.”

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9. How to handle yourself if you ever resort to prostitution: 
“You wanna party? It’s $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.”

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10. The way we all honestly feel about Ellen DeGeneres:
“You can’t be gay for just one person. Unless you’re a lady and you meet Ellen.”

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11. What to remember when you’re feeling alone:
“Rejection from society is what created X-Men!”

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12. The best therapy when you’re upset:
“I’m gonna go talk to some food about this.”

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13. Gentle reassurance that we’ve all done some bad things:
“One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I’m really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn’t leave right away!”

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14. What a guy really means when he says ‘lets’s think about it’:
“In my experience, ‘let’s think about it’ usually ends up as me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.”

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15. How to make a trip more adventurous:
“I packed underwear… that isn’t gray.”

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16. The types of dangerous men you need to watch out for:
“He could be a serial killer! He could wear a thumb ring!”

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17. Knowing how to listen to good advice:
“For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.

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18. The real “I’m looking for” speech that we all secretly want to give:
“I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old.”

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19. The importance of being honest with yourself and with others:
“If I could press a button and 5 people in the world would die but I’d get free cable for life, I’d do it.”

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20. How to make sex more enjoyable:
“Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you’re done, you have a treat!”

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21. The real thing we’re all chasing after:
“All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.”