1. On what religion to follow:
“I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.”
2. The only kinds of fitness classes you should take:
“Anything that doesn’t have the word ‘strip,’ ‘salsa,’ or ‘beats’ with a ‘z’ in the name of it.”
3. How you should handle PDA in the workplace:
“It’s only inappropriate when it’s ugly people.”
4. The real definition of a nooner:
“And now I am heading home for a nooner – which is what I like to call having pancakes for lunch.”
5. A kind reminder that you’re not the only one out there who doesn’t have it all together:
[To Tracy] “I’m actually jealous of you. You’ve got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.”
6. The only time it’s acceptable to use the word “lovers”:
“That word bums me out unless it’s between the words meat and pizza.”
7. The best type of New Year’s Resolution you can make:
“One of my New Year’s resolutions is to say ‘yes!’ Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!”
8. When you need to put your past mistakes into perspective:
“Who hasn’t made mistakes? I once French kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.”
9. How to handle yourself if you ever resort to prostitution:
“You wanna party? It’s $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.”
10. The way we all honestly feel about Ellen DeGeneres:
“You can’t be gay for just one person. Unless you’re a lady and you meet Ellen.”
11. What to remember when you’re feeling alone:
“Rejection from society is what created X-Men!”
12. The best therapy when you’re upset:
“I’m gonna go talk to some food about this.”
13. Gentle reassurance that we’ve all done some bad things:
“One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I’m really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn’t leave right away!”
14. What a guy really means when he says ‘lets’s think about it’:
“In my experience, ‘let’s think about it’ usually ends up as me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.”
15. How to make a trip more adventurous:
“I packed underwear… that isn’t gray.”
16. The types of dangerous men you need to watch out for:
“He could be a serial killer! He could wear a thumb ring!”
17. Knowing how to listen to good advice:
“For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
18. The real “I’m looking for” speech that we all secretly want to give:
“I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old.”
19. The importance of being honest with yourself and with others:
“If I could press a button and 5 people in the world would die but I’d get free cable for life, I’d do it.”
20. How to make sex more enjoyable:
“Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you’re done, you have a treat!”
21. The real thing we’re all chasing after:
“All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.”
