1. Avoid the internet. Just… pretend it isn’t real.
2. …Don’t even scroll through Instagram while you’re pooping.
3. Read [2-3 pages of] a book. You’ll feel smarter.
4. But don’t start out any conversations with “I recently read…” or people will hate you.
5. If today was the day you were going to go bathing suit shopping, reschedule.
6. Figure out a way to universally dismantle the hashtag “#thinspiration.”
8. Stay away from all health food stores and/or any places where people seem generally happy and like they don’t hate themselves.
9. Make a temporary exception for the “avoiding the internet” rule by googling a list of Lifetime movie titles from the past 5-10 years. And then bask in this moment and allow yourself to LOL.
10. Refrain from looking up super young celebrities, entrepreneurs, and other famous people on Wikipedia and figuring out how old they were when they got their shit together.
12. Take a hot shower that lasts for 5 hours.
13. Watch videos that will make you giggle, like this one:
14. Go to the mall but only buy Auntie Anne’s.
15. Become a certified minister online.
16. Ask one of your friends to go to happy hour with you. If they don’t feel like it, force them.
17. If you honestly have to force them, consider leaving them forever and getting a new friend.
18. Walk down the street and pretend to be Miranda Priestly. Turn to someone you don’t know and say, “That’s all.”
19. Buy a body pillow and force it to love you.
20. Listen to a Beyonce song. Just, don’t watch the video to go along with it. Or it’ll have the opposite effect and will just make you feel more #lost.
21. Buy Rosetta Stone and tell yourself you’re going to learn a new language. You’ll never do it, but at least for this day, you’ll feel like you’re better than everyone else.
22. Watch an episode of The Real Housewives to remind yourself that, hey, at least your life isn’t… that.
23. Go through a drive-thru. They’re scientifically proven to boost morale by 82% for up to 10 minutes.