1. Why would anybody ever want to try a medication after the voiceover in the commercial says “side effects may include depression, suicidal thoughts, nausea, anxiety, weight gain, and adult acne”?
2. When someone looks at a group picture, have they ever looked at anyone besides themselves when they said “I love it!”?
3. Is the biggest emotional step in your relationship when you say “I love you” to each other, or is it when you’re comfortable enough to poop at each other’s places?
4. When someone says, “Deep down he’s a good person,” has it ever been about someone who’s actually a good person?
5. Is there a point to using the phrase “no offense” other than warning the other person that what you are about to say is actually going to be extremely offensive?
6. When you’re home alone and you push the shower curtain open just to double check that a murderer isn’t hiding behind it, do you actually have a plan of defense if there is someone behind it?
7. When you see two people conversing together while they’re jogging, are they actually having a conversation, or are they just making nasty, guttural sounds like the rest of us?
8. Has anyone ever not thought, “Dear God, is that what I look like?” when they accidentally open up their front-facing camera on their phone?
9. Why do people send you a personal Snapchat if they also post it as their story? Are they just really concerned with making sure you see it?
10. If you don’t Instagram a pic of your mom on Mother’s Day, did Mother’s Day even happen?
11. If someone’s mom doesn’t have Instagram, what is exactly is their intention behind wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day on Instagram?
12. What did people honestly do on the toilet before smartphones existed? Did they just sit there and think about life? Did they actually bring a newspaper into the bathroom with them?
13. In twenty years from now, are young people going to even understand the humor in the image of someone sitting on the toilet with a newspaper? Will they even know what’s going on?
14. Based on the way we eat today and the things that we eat, are people even going to be capable pooping in 20 years from now? Or will we all just give birth to a box of Cheez-its every few months?
15. When someone cancels plans on you and is extremely apologetic about it, are they unaware of the fact that you are extremely relieved and happy because you don’t have to do anything now but you also don’t have the canceling guilt? Did they honestly not know that this was just a standoff?
16. Has anyone ever started out a sentence with “I love her to death, but…” and actually liked her?
17. Which quotes by Coco Chanel were actually said by Coco Chanel?
18. When someone says something to you in a really loud bar and you just nod and laugh, do they know that you have no idea what they just said?
19. Has webMD ever mentioned a disease or illness whose symptoms did not include “weakness and fatigue”?
20. And has anyone ever read about a disease on webMD and not been convinced that they had it?
21. Are some people just born as old people? Has there ever been an infant named “Mildred” or “Harold”?
22. When you go over to someone’s house for dinner and you ask “Is there anything I can do to help?” do they know that you’re only like 25% serious and that you’d be taken aback if they actually asked you to help?
23. Can Netflix just stop with the passive-aggressive “Are you still watching?” feature? Yes, I know it’s been five hours. Play on, no more questions.
24. When someone holds two or more doors open in a row for you, is it more or less awkward to just keep going, “Thanks… thanks… thanks…”?
25. Do people know that when you talk about what Hogwarts house you’d be in, it’s kind of taboo to say that you’d be in Gryffindor because it makes you sound like a douche?
26. Has any young tween ever honestly ever answered the question “Are you older than 13?” while they were on a website that had security pop-ups?
27. Does that person on the train who’s playing their music without wearing headphones know what they’re doing or are they honestly completely clueless?
28. Do nurses purposefully push the weight measuring block a little bit further to the right than is necessary while you’re standing on the scale at the doctor’s office?
29. Has anyone ever actually been flattered when someone said “you clean up nicely”?
30. When people start talking about healthy recipes they’ve made, how many seconds into it do they get before people tune out?
31. Why do people say “Oh my God that’s so funny” when zero part of them actually thinks it’s funny?
32. Has anyone ever not been insecure about changing in front of their cat?