1. Your friends know that if they text you early in the morning, they shouldn’t expect to hear back from you for several hours.
2. Same goes for the ugly, triple-chin, Sunday morning Snapchat pics they send you that say “0 MPH.” You will reply to them with something deliciously heinous, they just have to be patient.
3. Most people see the weekend as a glorious break from work, deadlines, stress, and spending nine hours a day in an office. You see all that, but more importantly, you see a beautiful two-day period where you can sleep for hours and hours. And hours.
4. If you don’t set an alarm on the weekends, you will literally sleep the entire day away. Always.
5. Like, you have to set an alarm if you’re meeting a friend at a nearby restaurant at two o’clock in the afternoon.
6. Sometimes people make passive-aggressive, judgmental comments about how much you sleep. And you’re just like, bye Felicia. And then you go back to sleep because you don’t care.
7. You’re probably planning on when you can go back to sleep right now, while you’re reading this post.
8. You take a surprising amount of naps for someone who sleeps all the time anyway.
9. Your life is a series of time periods in which you’re convinced you have mono, and then you’re like No, I’m fine, and then you sleep for fifteen hours one night and you’re like, Yeah I definitely have it.
10. If you have a job where you have to get up early for work (early being any time before nine) everybody knows not to bother you until you’ve been awake for at least three hours.
11. As soon as someone says, “The early bird gets the worm!” they are dead to you.
12. When you say “I got up at like 10 this morning,” what you really mean is “I opened my eyes at 10, took a sip of water, checked my phone for a couple minutes, and then fell back asleep until 1.”
13. Your friends always complain that you take forever to wake up. You prefer to think of it as “building suspense.”
14. If you’re staying in a hotel and have something important to do the next morning, you can’t pull the blackout curtains all the way closed, because if you did you wouldn’t wake up the next day until practically dinner time.
15. The only time you ever willingly got up early in college with your friends was to day drink.
16. Your group brunches fall more on the lunch side of brunch than the breakfast side of brunch. Everybody knows you don’t eat anything before noon. Because you don’t do anything before noon.
17. If you’ve ever had to stay in a tiny apartment or a hotel room with a bunch of your friends, it took you at least one hour of them chatting and hanging out around you before you actually cracked an eye open.
18. You sometimes forget that 5:00 and 6:00 are time periods that also happen in the morning, not just the evening.
19. You have never used the phrase “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Sleep is too important for that. But sometimes, when you sleep, you do look like you’re dead.
20. Whenever you have to get up early, you feel like you’re hungover, even if you didn’t have a single drop of alcohol the night before.
21. And, worse than that, whenever you get up early, you always look hungover. But don’t worry. ‘Cause you’re amazing (‘mazing) just the way you are.