1. “Better Off”
The whole family runs down the hill like they do in the opening sequence of the show, except this time Uncle Joey falls and nobody stops to help him because it’s just better that way.
2. “How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Chuck”
Danny, Jesse, and Joey break into Michelle’s grown-up apartment to sing “The Teddy Bear” song to her, only to discover her in bed with Mr. Woodchuck.
3. “Dirty Deeds”
Danny and Kimmy Gibler’s dislike for each other over the years morphs into severe sexual tension, climaxing in a scene in which DJ finds them in bed together while Kimmy is spanking Danny with a Swiffer.
Jesse and Becky take their twin boys to therapy in an attempt to help them recover from the fact that they spent the first several years of their lives living in an attic.
5. “We’re Finally Free!”
Uncle Joey spends the entire episode not doing impressions.
Danny goes a little too crazy on one of his cleaning days and Comet gets high off of some bleach and bites off Stephanie’s leg.
Michelle goes missing and everyone’s worried that she’s been kidnapped, until they realize that she was there all along; nobody noticed her because she blended into Mary Kate Olsen’s insanely large overcoat.
Danny gets in a huge fight with Joey and Jesse when he realizes that their jingle-writing advertising business was actually just a front for selling illegally-obtained medical marijuana out of their basement.
9. “No Thank You”
D.J. hands down her old 1980s sweater wardrobe to her child, which causes them to run away and never return.
10. “The Coma: Part 2”
Michelle falls off another horse and goes into a coma, but this time everyone thinks she’s faking, so they leave her out in the woods. She bursts back onto the scene on a cold, stormy night, holding a knife, and mutters, “You’re in big trouble mister.”
11. “Eat Your Feelings”
Steve spends the entire episode standing in front of the fridge eating, and it’s not at all boring to watch because Steve was the best character.
Danny and Becky get fired from Wake Up San Francisco, and are infuriated when they learn that they’re being replaced by Bob from The Biggest Loser and Miley Cyrus’s mom.
13. “Finally, Some Answers”
We find out what happened to predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, and evening t.v.
14. “Family Tree”
Jesse Katsopolis discovers that he is a distant relative of Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Prin-cess of Genovia.
15. “Sister Act”
DJ threatens to hit Stephanie in the face with a frying pan if she says “how rude” one more time. Danny encourages the girls to make up by putting his hands on each of their shoulders and mentioning the words “feelings” and “emotions” several times.
16. “A Hairy Situation”
Becky almost divorces Jesse when she discovers a large number of wigs in his closet and learns that he has been balding for the last 10 years.
17. “The Kids Gotta Grow Up”
Jesse and Becky’s twins Nicky and Alex leave the nest to play the stunt doubles in an upcoming Suite Life of Zack and Cody horror film.
18. “Gone Girl”
Michelle gets jealous when her childhood ginger friend Derek returns from New York City and reports that he was a finalist on Project Runway. She ultimately loses her shit and blows up Danny’s red convertible.
19. “Bad Girl Gia”
Stephanie’s troublemaker friend Gia returns, only to announce that she’s a changed person and is currently engaged to one of the 97 Duggar children.
20. “Cut It The F*Ck Out”
Uncle Joey does his Cut it out joke one too many times and Stephanie has a nervous breakdown and murders him.
21. “The One With No Music”
The family decides to split up and move into separate homes. The episode is only 5 minutes long because they forgot to score it with sappy music.