1. In the same way that some people start planning dinner while they’re still eating breakfast, as soon as you wake up, you’re already planning what time you get to lay down again that day. The only thing that gets you out of bed is figuring out exactly how many hours you have to be awake before you can go back to sleep.
2. You spend much of your time in school or at work indulging in pleasurable fantasies… about taking an afternoon doze.
3. You’ll click on any article about napping, especially if it contains “facts” that prove napping can be good for you. Basically, you’ll read anything that will possibly alleviate the guilt you feel over being a complete nap lard.
4. And because of this, you’re full of random-ass factoids that you’re ready to throw at your friends the instant they make fun of you for sleeping all the time. Did you know that power naps can boost your memory? Did you know that naps make you more productive? Did you know that naps can reduce cellulite by 67%?
5. You’ve had more than one occasion where you went to lay down – just for an hour or two – around 6 p.m., and accidentally didn’t wake up until 9 a.m. the next day.
6. Most people dread road trips and long car rides with a loathing they normally save for the DMV. But you? No, sweet child. To you, a road trip just means seven to eight minutes of pleasant conversation before you zonk out in the backseat with a warm blanket and the sun shining down on your face through the car window.
7. You don’t understand the idea of people taking brief fifteen or thirty minute “cat naps.” You take napping seriously. In your opinion, it needs to last for at least an hour or it doesn’t even count.
8. Sometimes you even dream about taking a nap while you’re actually taking a nap.
9. Your friends know not to bother you or to try and hang out with you between the hours of 4 and 7 p.m. Those are prime sleeping opportunities.
10. Most of the time, you allow yourself to take a nap because you tell yourself that you’ll be more productive afterwards, since you won’t be tired. Instead, once you wake up, you spend the rest of the night walking around like a zombie and you are incapable of doing anything more than eating pizza and bingewatching a show about restaurants that are about to go out of business.
11. You think of your naps as healthy periods of rest. Your friends refer to them as your comas, or stupors, or long-term periods of unbelievably deep unconsciousness.
12. While most people try to work exercising or cooking into their schedule, you’re mostly concerned with what time you’ll be able to squeeze in a decently-long snooze.
13. In your mind, sofas and couches are never a place to watch t.v. or, God forbid, entertain other people. Rather, they’re a place for you to lay down and read two pages of a book before you instantly fall asleep for a solid three hours.
14. Sometimes your thoughts wander too far and you find yourself getting jealous of babies or pets because their main job is to lay around all day and sleep while looking adorably comfortable.
15. You have a love-hate relationship with that “disoriented nap feeling” that happens every time you wake up, where you can’t tell if it’s morning or midnight and whether or not you’re in danger and whether you’ve been asleep for ten minutes or five hours. It can be pretty funny when you wake up and have no idea where you are, but it also kind of sucks for those first thirty seconds.
16. When you stay at hotels, nothing is more important to you than finding the “Do Not Disturb” sign. Because you’ve had too many uncomfortable experiences where the cleaning staff has walked in on you in a deep, drool-filled sleep at two in the afternoon.
17. You usually have to set five different alarms when you take a nap, because you always accidentally snooze through the first two or three.
18. More than once, you’ve found yourself reminiscing about the good old days, where “nap time” was actually one of the most important parts of the preschool schedule. You used to lay there, wide awake, like some kind of moron, never appreciating the good you had right in front of you and the magic that was having an actual period of sleep set aside for you each day.
19. It’s hard for you to walk through the home decor section of any department store. Because all you want to do is climb in those fake beds and nap the shit out of them.