1. You know that white wine causes you pain, but you always come back to it. When you’re sitting on the couch on a Sunday morning with a pounding headache, you look at the empty bottle sitting on the coffee table and whisper, “You were worth it.”
2. You never discriminate, and are capable of falling in love with white wines from all different walks of life – Skinny Girl, Two Buck Chuck, Franzia, the opened bottle that’s been in your mom’s fridge for eleven months. You’ll take whatever you can get.
3. No matter how gross you feel or how unfavorable you consider your appearance to be that day, the minute you get a big glass of Chardonnay in your hand, you feel classy as f*ck.
4. You’re not concerned with how cute the label is on a wine bottle. You only care about what’s on the inside. That’s what truly matters. Because that’s what will get you drunk.
5. White wine is your rock, and you’re not sure how you would get through life without it. Like, if you didn’t have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in your hand at all times during a bridal shower, how would you pretend that you’re not bored?
6. At the end of a long day, a huge glass of white wine is the only thing you want to see and/or talk to.
7. …And it doesn’t matter if that long day ends at one o’clock in the afternoon or at midnight. Because it’s always wine o’clock.
8. Sometimes, especially during the winter, the only reason you venture out of the house to hang out with your friend is because she tells you that in addition to a loyal and loving friendship, she’s also willing to give you some Moscato.
9. You’ve been called a wino before and you don’t care. Let them hate. You’re happy. You’re in love.
10. “Drunk In Love” makes you think of you and some white vino, not you and an actual person, lol.
11. Sure, you go to a winery for the “experience.” Or to get “educated” about how wine is made. You’re definitely not doing it so that you can get drunk in an acceptable way while surrounded by a bunch of pretty trees and land. You’re totally not going just for the drunken Insta pic.
12. You’re already praying that Titus Andromedon sings an ode to white wine in the next season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
13. To you, Thirsty Thursday is just Thursday.
14. Most of the time, you watch The Bachelor just to have something to do while you’re guzzling your Riesling. And you might as well give in to the Monday-night-basic-bitch stereotype.
15. While choosing your bottle at the liquor store, you’re not so much concerned with the aroma of the grapes as you are with Oh, is this one under $12? Great.
16. You know that sometimes your nights end in disaster, but you love white wine anyway. Because you’re aware of the people it’s brought you closer to. Like your mom. Or your sister. Or that girl you ran into from college who was like “we should get drinks sometime!” and you were like “yeah, totally!” and then she actually followed up with you and tried to set up a happy hour and you were like “wtf are you doing?!”
17. You’re not really interested in hearing what kinds of food pair well with the glass of wine you’ve chosen. You know what pairs great with it in your opinion? A second glass of it.
18. There’s no one better to help you cope with the Sunday night work-is-starting-again-tomorrow anxiety than a giant bottle of Yellow Tail, $8 at your local CVS.
19. The only smooth finish you need is from a crisp, light glass of Pinot Grigio. No? Too much? Bye.