1. I poisoned my most recent significant other because they asked too many invasive questions.
2. My favorite band is Flo Rida.
3. I’m actually more attracted to balloons than I am to people.
4. I only date people named Fergus and I haven’t found a person named Fergus yet.
5. I don’t like to cover my mouth when I sneeze and that’s been an obstacle in my past relationships. *then, sneeze on them of course*
6. I’m a pansexual. But in this sense I mean that I’m only attracted to Peter Pan.
7. My pet ferret never returned my love as a child and now I’m worried that the same will happen if I attempt to love a human.
8. I watch Strange Sex on TLC and that’s just as good as the real thing.
9. I get more excited about the idea of watching Netflix while wearing elastic waistband sweatpants than I do about the idea of connecting emotionally with another human being.
10. I’m too invested in House of Cards right now to worry about another person’s feelings.
11. I’m a never-nude.
12. I used to buy those key chains from Claire’s that said stuff like “Sorry I Don’t Speak Idiot” so I think it’s all pretty self-explanatory from there.
13. I’m the person who says they don’t have to pee when everybody else gets out to go at the rest stop, but then I ask if we can pull the car over like thirty minutes later because now I have to pee. And sometimes that can be taken negatively.
14. I accidentally laughed at this person who fell on the treadmill when I was at the gym, so I don’t think I don’t deserve another person’s love right now.
15. I voted for Sanjaya when he was on American Idol.
16. Actually, I am in a relationship right now. You just can’t see them because they’re more of an ideology than a person.
17. I’m too busy watching Judge Judy every day at four o’clock to worry about “a relationship.”
18. BECAUSE LOVE IS A LIE.
19. I find that I get more out of going to the dentist than I do out of investing my feelings and life into another person.
20. I make this weird snoring noise when I sleep, and some people find it abrasive. *then do a weird snoring noise directly into their ear*
21. I didn’t cry when I watched the Budweiser horse commercial during the Super Bowl.
22. I have trouble making commitments unless it’s to Birchbox.
23. I wear Vibram’s FiveFingers sports shoes.
24. …To work.
25. I threw my dog a birthday party and invited all my neighbors and my dog’s neighbors.
26. My favorite movie is Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch.
27. When I meet people, I tell them my baggage all up front. And some people just can’t handle knowing that I was on To Catch A Predator.